Shock the Monkey

Alright fellas, so the previously reliable Blogger poll appears to not be saving anyone's votes.  I have no idea how much feedback has been turned in or what the results are.  That being said, I have been forced to reach out to a second party website to create this one question survey.  Take a look at this survey monkey link and vote again.  Same question, same choices.  Let's bang this out so I can prepare for a variety of team specific needs for BROIV. 

Let's try to have everyone toss a vote out by Monday, May 13.  If this works, maybe I'll use this site for more feedback related questions. (until I run this bitch like a dictator, and wipe my ass with the results)

Editorial note: look at the range of this post...from a gorilla in an electric chair to Kim Jon riding a decorated horse.  I feel a 2013 Webby coming Brolympic Platinum's way. 

How is this possible?

Almost 80 people viewed the blog yesterday?  I'm going to go out on a limb and assume we all looked at it eight times.  Actually, I know at least ten are me. Not that I'm (that) in love with my own work and/or a narcissist.

 I simply need that many reads to catch 90% 65% of my typos and to fine tune hastily thrown together Photoshops. 

Also, somehow the poll went from two votes to zero over night.  Maybe two of you changed your minds over night, or the website ate your votes.  Keep voting I guess?  I'll try and monitor to see if it's a continuing issue or not.

Either way, thanks for reading, people who may not be people I know...but are probably people I know.  You are (or most likely aren't) the best. 

Hot Stove Action

We've managed to get three good years out of this event with the same ten guys and the same two teams.  Unfortunately for one team, it has resulted in the same outcome each year.  Every year there are talks of mixing things up, adding players, etc.  Lets take a second and explore some of the more popular options as well as the pro/cons of each:

OPTION ONE- Keep Teams the Same

Pros: The last two years the competition has come down to the last event.  There has yet to be an all out blow out, so the talent is fairly even already.  A healthy rivalary is already established.

Cons: The same team has lost every year. 

OPTION TWO- Blow up teams, complete redraft

Pros: I got to use this picture

Cons: Eliminates already established rivalries. Risk of even more unbalanced teams.

OPTION THREE- Expansion

 Pros: May even out athletic events in that it will add a pair of fresh legs for substitution purposes, or add a more athletic person on a team that needs it.  Norm.

Cons: Difficult to find two people that fit the criteria of knowing everyone and understanding the good nature of the day.  Risk flipping good chemistry of day by adding too competitive of individual.  (ex. Past Turkey Bowl participants that have treated event like a draft combine)

OPTION FOUR- Trade Scenario #1

 Chad/ Anthony swap: Team Green would get an upgrade at basketball. Team Maroon would get an established goalie, which would allow Lewis out of net. 

 OPTION FIVE- Trade Scenario # 2

 Mike E./ Nate swap: Team Green would get an athletic upgrade all around.  Team Maroon would get a rusty, out of shape goalie which would allow Lewis out of net.  Could cause a Hatfield/McCoy situation between Erno cousins.

A poll will be up for a week or so to get your input.  Rosters need finalized so BROIV planning can continue in a timely fashion.  More polls to come. 

Update O'Clock- Part IV

Dickheads, this tomfoolery has gone on long enough. Let's finish this:

Event 8: FLIP CUP

The aftermath of the Lord of the Rings-like journey to the golf course was ugly.  People were semi-comatose ready drop over in Brolympic HQ.  There were blasphemous whispers of cutting corners/ skipping events/ female circumcisions.  Then out of no where, a pep talk/ questioning of manhood/ murderous threat from Chris woke everyone the eff up.  Needless to say, it was very effective.

Everyone rallied big time.  What started as a best of three, turned into a best of five, which then turned into the standard best of seven rounds of flip cup.  It was glorious.  Unfortunately there is more footage of the Kennedy assassination than there is of this event.  Team Green wins perhaps their best event (historically) as they attempt to provide the kagels to this days events and make the score tighter. 

                                         Team Maroon: 5               Team Green: 3

Event 9: SUPER BEER PONG

Flip Cup put a hurting on a couple contestants.  If one is to believe folklore and/or wikipedia maybe half the participants were able to drink their fair share during beer pong.  While everyone else acted like they were knocked up and drank for two.  I know I was getting thirsty again by this time of the evening and welcomed the additional pilsner.  While others delicate palates prevented them from drinking the prepared pong cups and resorted to drinking out of their thermos of Busch Light to keep things fair.

Point proven.

Some emergency pizzas were ordered, but it was too late.  The night devolved into the Vancouver Riots.  The fire ring was moved from down in the yard up to the driveway...lit, like an Olympic Brolympic Torch.  Objects and booze where being sacrificed to the fire.  I think I saw a goats head at some point. (unconfirmed)  I just assumed Rossello was shooting a video for Disturbed.  Somewhere along the way Team Green kept their streak alive and made event ten a pivotal match up.

                                         Team Maroon: 5               Team Green: 4

Event Ten: NES SPORTS CHALLENGE

If things were getting fuzzy four events ago, than the likelihood of anything factual coming from this part of the recap is highly unlikely.  All but the fact that we had a participant go MIA.

Half way through the event we noticed Chris was missing.  He was up soon, so I went outside looking for him.  He was nowhere to be found.  Climbing inside the mind of an animal, I tried to figure out where I would go if I was him.  This lead my hunt to the woods behind Brolympic HQ, where I received some good news and some not so great news.  The good news was that I got to third base with a knotty red maple, the bad news being Chris was nowhere to be found.  Simultaneously satisfied and dejected, I returned inside to find that it was my turn.  

During my turn, Chris was stumbled upon like a dead hooker on Law & Order: SVU.  Many tried to revive him.  The fans where chanting his name, but he eventually was counted out as if Rowdy Roddy Piper had just had his way with him.  Two years in a row, and the Erno cousins are answers to surprising prop bets. (So what?  We leave it all on the field...sometimes literally)

Back to the event at hand.  Since Chris could not compete, a call to the bullpen was made and Rossello had to compete again...and for the symmetry of it all, he faced off against Motz in a similar situation to last year...only this time it was in PRO WRESTLING.  I wish I had video...or a thread of memory of how close the match really was.  All I know is Motz put Rose on his back 1-2-3, and that was it. 

                                         Team Maroon: 6               Team Green: 4

Back to back to back, THREE-PEAT CHAMPIONS- TEAM MAROON!  

As always, it was a blast.  Thanks again for another great year.  Stay tuned for feedback needed for BROIV.  I've had somethings in the hopper since the day after BROIII.  Needless to say, BROIV should be better than ever. 

Update O'Clock- Part III

Event 5.5: VAN RIDE HOME
By this time of the day I'm not saying it was an emergency to get food in our stomachs, but Sally Struthers was this close to filming a commercial for us set to a sad Sarah McLachlan song.  Thankfully our trusty van driver steered us to the double whammy of Sheetz and Five Guys.  The van split like one of Motz's teeth as we stumbled towards each location.

Not sure what the bigger upset would have been...running into Gisele Bundchen at Five Guys, or Ty NOT getting yelled at for drinking beer in line.  Side note: Is it any surprise Gisele frequents Five Guys?  She clearly loves big meaty sandwiches and clearly she married some dude that would rather prance through wildflower fields wearing his sissy ugg boots, than fire up the grill and satisfy his super model wife's meaty cravings.  Are you reading between the lines?

Fine, I'll spell it out for you.  Gisele would have date raped me if she ran into me there.  (sorry Amy, I swear I was just grabbing for the fries). 

(also can you blame her?)

Event Six: FOOTBALL TOSS
This new event was probably more fun to make than the actual event was to execute.  Maybe we can incorporate some sort of woodworking event into BROIV.

I'm not entirely sure what happened at this event.  I know the board took a beating and not many people scored.  It's probably because most people were aiming for six holes as opposed to one. (Not unlike the oddly specific "Co-ed college swingers orgy party" porn.)  I'm lead to believe that Lewis was mostly successful as far as making a throw or two.  Team Green is in big trouble, as Team Maroon puts another notch on their bedpost.

Team Maroon: 5                 Team Green: 1

Event Seven: CORNHOLE

In a stunning turn of events, Cornhole was over in the blink of an eye.  The match ups were unclear, the scores are unrecorded.  All that anyone remembers is that it was a bloodbath.  Mike E. and Chad were essentially the Cornhole version of NBA Jams, because we were on FIRE.  You may say we pulled a Lewis from Brolympics II, only we started and finished the game in about 4 throws.  MVP's and event score pictures stopped being recorded a couple events ago, so we took matters into our own hands:

Team Maroon: 5           Team Green: 2

Event 7.5: GOLF COURSE

The evening took an unexpected pit stop when we spilled onto the golf course.  I believe we all took a few swings. I know the ball I hit took a hard right off my club and disappeared into some golf vortex never to be seen again.  I suppose there's a chance it landed in a hole, but even for an exaggerated blog post, that seems unlikely.  Luckily I wasn't alone in my ineptitude.  This many bad cuts haven't been witnessed since sequestration forced the school for the blind and barber school to combined enrollment. 

Coming next!! This extendo recap finally comes to a stirring conclusion.  With the help of a huge morale rally, (and perhaps the drinking events) Team Green makes a run at making this close...and hey, where'd Chris go?  

Update O'Clock- Part II

Team Maroon found themselves up 2-1.  Meanwhile Jack Bauer infiltrated the Chinese Consulate, disarmed a suitcase nuke, smoked out a mole in CTU, interrogated that mole with lamp wires and a dull spoon, and successfully evaded all cougar traps...all before breakfast.  Unfortunately his daughter did not fair as well...

Event 3.5: POST HORSESHOES DRINKING

Here we witness the three levels of warming up for Basketball...shirtless dancing, more drinking and what I can only assume is some sort of confrontational smack talking.

Event Four: BASKETBALL

 It took three years, but we had our first cluster eff of an event.  Unsurprisingly Mike E. succumbed to the unseasonably warm temps, copious beverages and poor genetics conditioning that lead to his annual leg cramps.  Stephen Hawking would have been more effective boxing out a Brownie pack.  Team Maroon was just toying with Team Green.  Sensing a complete blow out, the Brolympic Gods intervened for some unintentional, team on team violence. 

Motz's face dove in front of Lewis's forearm as if he was Kevin Costner protecting Whitney Houston from an overzealous fan.  What resulted was a 15-20 min delay as phone calls were made to dentists and bandages were applied.  Motz being the warrior that he is, re-entered the game as the incident did nothing to slow the wave of momentum and Team Maroon easily handled Team Green in Basketball for the third year in a row. 

Motz's Wallet: 0    Motz's Dental Coverage: $$$

Team Maroon: 3                    Team Green: 1

Event Five: BOWLING

 After a surely comfortable conversation between our favorite van driver and her co-pilot, we arrived at the bowling alley without any mobile drinking heroics.  In a turn of events that we should no longer be surprised by, the bowling ally essentially had some left over bags of nachos that they sold us at four and a half times the reasonable rate and not the bar feast we were hoping for.  Being the consummate professionals, we did not let this speed bump deter us from our beverage limits or shockingly crazy accurate performances. 

Maroon took the first round with a score of 684 - 638.  Green took the second round 604 - 591.  Oh hey...remember those rules we came up for Horseshoes?  Yeah, we decided to go that route for this event as well.  This meant Team Green had to win the final set by 60 points.  60 points is about 7 frames worth of points for their average bowlers.  Team Maroon left little doubt, and bowled absolutely out of their minds.  Despite Team Green's career best performances from many of their players, their 670 pts. did not even tap the sack of Team Maroon's 701!!!

The Brolympics Commission thought about testing Team Maroon from some performance enhancing drugs, but they were pretty confident all the tequila would mask the results.  Also, other unnamed prop bets were covered during this event. (wink, wink)

Team Maroon:  4              Team Green: 1

Up next...introducing a new event, cornhole domination (heh heh) and a side trip to the golf course.

Update O'Clock

Hello asshats. Perhaps you remember this blog.  Perhaps you remember what it's all about.  Perhaps you even remember the day that it immortalizes.  For those that don't remember that day, here's the long awaited recap (to the best of my increasingly shotty memory*)

*History favors those that write history

FRIDAY NIGHT IS ALRIGHT W/ ME
The festivities unofficially kicked off Friday afternoon as Weaver and Ty got in a little golf action.  Unclear of what the stakes were.  I think it's safe to assume we all lost.

As Team Green invaded Brolympic headquarters, their strategy of keeping the drinking under control, unsurprisingly deteriorated faster than edible panties on Rose during a Will Clark biography.  Chris consumed anywhere from ten to a bakers dozen busch lights during the second unofficial action of the evening...the three point shooting contest. (complete w/ 3 pt. vine) An instant classic was born.

Miscellaneous items from Friday night:

• Rose arriving w/ gifts as well as his carry-on luggage...consisting of a bowling ball as well as some sort of Seal Team 6 body armor.
• Lewis driving a combined 675 miles after attending a wedding earlier in the evening.  Finally arriving between 1-2 a.m.  His second worst driving decision in a 6 month span. (see Flyers playoff driving debacle, a.k.a. the NJ sight seeing tour)

OPENING CEREMONIES

 Opening ceremony traditions are upheld:

Event One: HOCKEY:

Team Green came into Brolympics with team unity at an all time high.  Emails were being passed around like the clap in a whore house.  Yet, it only took one and half periods for that confidence to come crumbling down.  Everyone from Team Maroon found the back of the net, as Team Green ended up in the loss column once again in the opening event.

This is where the memory issues are going to be a problem.  The final score was either 4-2, 4-1 or 5-2.  And anyone really could have been MVP of Hockey from Team Maroon, but I suppose someone was officially named.  Sorry if this was the highlight of your year.  Give yourself a reach around if you need the ego boost.

Team Maroon: 1         Team Green: 0

Event Two: Home Run Derby:

Team Maroon couldn't have given more of a different defensive look than they did in 2011. (i.e. Ty didn't catch any pop ups mid-field, immediately turn and fire it over the fence in a bizarre, yet helpful twist of strategy.)  Lewis single-highhandedly pulled a number of highlight-reel quality dingers back from the great beyond.  Unfortunately, as the name of the event indicates, Home Run Derby is still primarily an offensive event. 

Team Green rides the back of  Weaver's offensive barrage and secures their first W of the day. 

Team Maroon: 1         Team Green: 1

Event Three: HORSESHOES:

The certified geniuses that we are decided to amend the scoring system for Horseshoes going into this years event.  Instead of playing the best out of 3 games, we decided to go with cumulative points.  This certainly won't come back to haunt anyone.

In one of the first round match ups, Chris carried Mike E. as they squeaked by the duo of Ty and Lewis 15-14.  In other round one action, Nate and Anthony systematically bent the tandem of Rose and Chad over a stool and relentlessly pounded them to the tune of 15-3.

In past years, Team Green would have had a decent chance of pulling out a W with the reliable closers of Chris and Weaver.  Unfortunately they had to get to 15 points before Nate and Motz put up a 4 spot.  Let's face it, Helen Keller would have thrown a +4 on a bad day.  Team Green would have had better odds at beating off in a sock and impregnating a washing machine than keeping Team Maroon under 4 points.  Needless to say, Team Green won the 3rd game 15-11, but lost the event 33 - 40.

Team Maroon: 2         Team Green: 1

Stay Tuned for Part II...coming sometime between now and BROIV, where we take a drink break before basketball...what could go wrong?!!!