Mini-Update

Four hour dental procedure (part one of at least two) w/ root canal.

Over


Hat toss to the face.*


*barely

Soooo...

How was your weekend, rest of world?




Recap to follow. (Before the Mayan calendar ends)

Those with pics/ videos, send them my way. Will need them for recap.

Great weekend all. Can't wait till next year. Thanks for all the positive feedback.

Last Exit

Well everyone, barring any live updates during Friday night's green team pep rally, this may be the last post until the recap in August of 2013. 

There is now an 80% chance of rain for the late afternoon/ evening, but the morning looks fine. (minus the humidity...going to get swampy in crotchtown if you know what I mean*)

*

Anyhow, it's pretty evident everyone is pumped for tomorrow. (I almost called my doctor due to my erection lasting 48 hours)  Hope you all have enjoyed the show.  Signing off until next time...



Happy Brolympic Eve

Finally...

Star Man has come BACK to CORNWALL BOROUGH!!!!!!!

Seriously thought we were going to disappoint again with promising Pro Wrestling for NES.  We thought we had it, but then we didn't. (great story)   A little detective work turned up some magical store at the East Mall full of old video games.  Grabbed the last copy.  (probably ever)

I also procured a few other titles to reach the minimum amount I could charge. Awaiting patiently to give one of you a flying cross chop.  (in person or via the game)

Also, I completely forgot the Piranha's finisher was to beat off in your ear until completely exhausted. 

The Bets are In

I think the biggest upset is that I recieved everyone's picks on time.  Thanks for taking a few minutes to get these in before Saturday.

Struggling with the idea of sharing results, because I don't want the events or actions of anyone swayed by others votes.  However, there are some that are harmless to share, and I think I'll toss a few out this way:

WHO'S READY FOR SOME BAD ASS EXCELL PIE CHARTS ON A THURSDAY MORNING!

Starting Lineups

Introducing your 2012 Brolympic Participants!

From the two time defending champs the Maroon Team:

- A polyamorous PA Sports Fan, transplanted from Shiremanstown to Beaver Falls; like C & C Music Factory his cross over dribble will make you go hmmm...let's hear if for #6

ANTHONY DELUCA!!!

- He's had more schooling than I will have in three life times; when he's not saving lives, he's ending them...on the Grid Iron...let's give a warm brolympic welcome to our site host #20

TYLER FUGATE!!!

- A Graduate of the Dick Trickle Driving Academy w/ a masters in Craigslist and Golden Tee; He's a Real American, so eat your vitamins and say your prayers for #13

STEVE LEWIS!!!

- A not so closet Disney officianado; he'll put one by you in net faster than you can say "hey foxymophandlemama that's me"; he may trade a kidney for a slim jim, let's give it up for #10

MIKE MOTZ!!!

- A fan of the Steel City, Tequila, and Kicking Ass; His biceps could lead to HGH testing for next years events; He's prolific for making Brolympic Babies, let's just hope it's not during Corn Hole! Introducing # 26

NATE PIGOTT!!!

And now the runner up for the past two years, The Green Team:

- Never afraid to stir things up; he eats grizzly and shits flannel; he'll be raining ringers like he's pissing busch light; and you wouldn't like him when he's angry, lets hear it for Big E himself, #40

CHRIS ERNO!!!

- Pound for pound our hairiest competitor;  blood like marinara; a five meal athlete at the top of his game, ladies and gentleman get those fannies off your seats for #17

MIKE ERNO!!!

- He'll be flashing leather like Jessie Spano in Showgirls; dropping deuces like it's his job; a Canadian and Arena Football league savant, give it up for #43

CHAD LENTZ!!!

- Representing the dirty south, professional Joose connoisseur and fantasy nascar legend; he'll be giving the paparazzi plenty of eye candy; so lets turn up the Octane for #22

DAVE ROSSELLO!!!

- He'll sleep in your daughter's bed and then vomit from it; a professional bathroom re-decorator; and this teams only glimmer of something called stamina, let's extend a warm brolympic welcome to #27

DAVE WEAVER!!!

Congratulations you're all winners*

*except for 50% of you

Shallow Thoughts- An Unrelated Editorial

Now most of us have children, and those that don't are subject to them on a regular basis.  Well...there's no easy way to transition into this subject, so I'm just going to rip the band aid off fast and ask...

Why don't kid's shits sink? 

Seriously.  If I converted my diet to 100% hot dogs, chicken fingers and candy would my deuces float?  (lets be honest, if that were the case I would have had a porcelain armada in college)  Mythbusters need to tackle this subject. 

Now when my little guy was just getting potty trained, the little floating feces weren't that alarming.  But now, I flip the toilet seat open first thing in the morning and find the G.I. Joe aircraft carrier waiting for me. 

It's inconceivable that this monster didn't sink. I honestly dont' remember if mine ever floated.  I can't see how.  Sticking with the nautical theme, I'm more like the Hunt for Red October. (no I don't shit telescopes) They keep diving and diving to deeper depths, never breaching the surface.

These floaters really have my mind racing.  Certainly if I was trapped on a desert island void of trees, I would try to convince the lone hot chick (also trapped on the island) that we would need to have lots of sex so that she could pop out a baby or two, in hopes of cultivating enough preschool poo to build a raft in 3-5 years. 

The initial conversation would probably go something like this:

ME: Hey...I can't help but notice we live next to each other.

HotChick: We're the only two people on this island.

ME: So I have this idea on how to get off...

HC: I've seen what you've been doing behind the bushes!

ME: Oh right...no, I have an idea how to get off the island.

HC: Really?  This isn't a trick for me to have sex with you is it?

ME: (incredulous) You think because you're the only vagina on this island not made from coconut husks, that I'm into you?

HC: I just assumed the way you've been staring at me from behind the bushes...

ME: Enough about the bushes!  Do you want to hear my plan or not?

....5 minutes pass while I explain the plan in great detail....

ME:  (cont)...and then to avoid chaffing from all the sand, I think it would be best if I laid in the shallow surf.

HC: (staring expressionless at me) I need you to start wearing pants.

ME: Soooo...want to go look at my sand sculpture porn to get in the mood?

-END SCENE-

Grant it, it's a long plan, and I haven't had an opportunity to iron out all the details yet, but I think it makes for a plausible escape option, if not for a potential summer blockbuster.

Milk Was a Bad Choice...

I have good news and bad news.  The good news is, that the chance of rain has dropped back to 10% after reaching 30% yesterday.  The bad news is that the high temp is going to be around 78 - 80 degrees...which, for me, is about 20 degrees too warm to think about moving.  I'd be dehydrated without adding alcohol to this equation...but with all the booze, my tendons will be beef jerky by 10 a.m.





There's still a 60% chance of evening showers. (i.e. there's a also a 60% chance we won't burn Ty's garage to the ground.)

Moral of the story... I'm considering installing some of those misting stations around the park and Ty's house.  If not that, you may see me walking around with Ty's garden hose down my shorts all morning. And yes, I am happy to see you.

Weather Roulette/ Vomit Watch 2012

After watching the weather go from a 10% chance of rain, to a 60% chance of rain, we look like we're settling around the 20% chance of rain. The closer we get the  more detailed info we're getting, looks like the evening is more risky for a a chance of rain, but that suits our events fine.

Even if it pours buckets Saturday, we'll modify accordingly.   We are having events no matter what.  We may have to adjust the schedule, but this is going to happen Armageddon or shine. Remember, half of us flew threw Katrina just to get to Ty's bachelor party.  We're geniuses.

Speaking of disasters, if I somehow puke first again (unlikely) I'd like you to rush me to the hospital... Sunday after the events...or...lets make it Monday, I don't want to miss NFL games.  Last year, I can only assume that the little bit of pilsner that sneaked back out of me was due to the fact that I was days away from having my appendix explode.  If you can believe my surgeon, it was one of the grossest things he's ever seen.  I can only imagine that my insides were seeping out intermittently like a bike tire with a pin hole leak. Only instead of being filled with air, the tire was filled with deadly bacteria. (and probably some bacon)

Moral of the story, that was probably only the 3rd or 4th time in my life alcohol caused vomit to escape my body.  And I'm still not convinced it was the alcohol's fault. So if it happens this year, let's just assume I have 4 days to live and lets go get hookers. (wait...does my wife have access to this?)


REMINDER: PROP BET EXTRAVAGANZA DUE WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 19.  
 You don't have to have anything high tech like a scanner, or modify the word document if you don't have word...just email me your answers with the corresponding number.

Still to come...Hope to get a final dollar amount soon.  Misc. Odds & Ends.    Pain.   (maybe not in that order)

Just Doing Some Dishes

Ready to drink from...

Steam Bath

Only the best for our shirts.

It's finally here!

Nope...not our name in the phone book...

What I'm referring to is the 10 day weather forecast...we finally have a glimpse of what we may be dealing with:

I'm cautiously optimistic, since they're calling for a 60% chance of showers the day before.  A lot can change between now and then, but so far so good.  If we get this weather, I'll try not to bitch about it being about 20 degrees too warm for me to be active.  That includes cornhole and horse shoes.  What I'm trying to say is...I'm going to have a nice sheen on me if we're in the 70's.  Just a heads up to anyone guarding me in B-ball.  It's like going to Sea World or an R. Kelly concert.  Those in the first few rows will get wet.

America's Most Wanted

Pre-Ramble:
Before I get into the topic at hand, let me show a re-creation of how you may react upon entering the bathroom Sunday morning after Brolympics (if my morning bowels stay synced or if Weavs excorist-like, 360 degree vomit ride is operational):


And after you recover from that hypothetical crime scene, let me take another moment to share my dedication to the craft.  You may or may not be aware that a little title called NHL 13 was released yesterday.  You also may or may not be aware that I purchased it over lunch.  What you probably have no idea, is that I wasn't wearing underpants while I purchased it that due to the immense event update from last night, I have not had a chance to play said title.  All I had a chance to do was update the cover:

Don't feel sorry for me Argentina, I just wanted to show how serious I am about this event an excuse to post that picture. 

I'm brainstorming a list of what we need for the day still and have come up with the following:

Hockey: Bring your own sticks.  I have an extra one or two I'll bring.  We may need a new ball?  Ty I'll depend on you to let me know if we need to buy one.

HR Derby: I have a bat or two and a ball or two.  I'm thinking if we get a few more, it will keep the pace of that event moving.  Anyone have any extra regulation whiffle balls at home?  If not, I'll add it to the shopping list.

Horse Shoes: I have a set, Chris bring yours.  We definitely want two games going at same time this year.  I'll bring a rake and mallet.

Basketball: If you have a decent ball bring it.  Lewis sleeps with one and I know Ty and I have one as well. 

Bowling: I know at least two of you with your own gear.  Bring it if you got it.  I'll be busy airing my sack out over the air vent at the aptly-named ball return.

Football: If you have a decent football, bring it.  The custom board is almost complete.  If this doesn't end up in the Smithsonian I'll be shocked.

Cornhole: Ty and Lewis have this covered I believe.  Call me I'm an idiot if I'm mistaken.

Flip Cup/ Beer Pong: Cups (shopping list?)/ Beer...more on that later.  I'll snag a table from work.

NES Sports Challenge: Lewis, I assume you will be bringing your new purchase as well as the Wii?  And Ty will be raiding his parents basement for the pertinent games. 

Odds & Ends: We still need a funnel.  Let me know if you have one, or we'll have to add it to shopping list. (these always turn out to the be the best shopping lists)

Beer: Plan on bringing a case of your favorite beverage in a cooler unless anyone has any other ideas. 

Anything else that sounds like fun, you know the drill by now, bring it.

Still to come: Financial update, Weather Forecasts and the Friday Night Golf.

Event Horizon

Alrighty ladies...it's almost go time.  We are about 11 days from an event so glorious, that even the slightest whisper of it's name, makes panty soup.

With out further ado, here is the event list and estimated times/ locations:

EVENTS:

• 7:50 a.m. - Opening Ceremonies- Cornwall Borough Hockey Rink 

           

View Cornwall Borough Hockey Rink in a larger map

Try and get your lazy ass to the park by around 7:50 a.m.  Sleep at Ty's if you want an extra hour of sleep, or pitch a tent in center field. (not a euphemism*)  

*definitely a euphemism

• 8:00 a.m. - Street Hockey (Cornwall Borough Park)

         - 5 on 5
         - Three, 15 minute periods

• 9:30 a.m. - Home Run Derby (Cornwall Borough Park)

         - whiffle ball
         - 1 round per person (cumulative home runs per team)
         - 10 outs per person (any swing that isn't home run= out)

• 10:30 a.m. - Horse Shoes (Cornwall Borough Park)

         - Two simultaneous games in baseball infield
         - Games to 21, win by 2
         - 3 games total, 1 player plays two games (this player cannot play two games in future events)
         - Cumulative score of all three games determines winner of event

• 11:45 a.m. - Basketball (Cornwall Elementary School)

         - One full court game to 21 points



View Larger Map
 

• 1:30 p.m.  - Thirsty Van Ride to Bowling Alley (pick up at Ty's).  Will be eliminating times from break down for rest of day after this, as the day is meant to take us where it will. 

• Bowling (Cedar Lanes Bowling Alley)

          - Bring Cash for three games and for food/drinks
          - Cumulative score from all three games determines winner of event. 

• Inaugural Football Toss (Ty's House)

          - Three different size holes.  Largest hole = 1 pt. Medium hole = 2 pt. Smallest hole = 5 pt. 
          - Each player will funnel beer, then have 10 throws to score as many points as possible.
          - Cumulative team score determines winner.

• Cornhole (Ty's House)

          - Three games
          -  Games to 21, win by 2
          - 3 games total, 1 player plays two games (cannot be same person that went twice for horseshoes)
          - Cumulative score of all three games determines winner of event

• Flipcup (Ty's House)

         - 5 on 5
         - Best of 7
         - Mostly standard beers and amounts in cups

• Super Beer Pong (Ty's House)

          - Minimum of 15 cups used.  Standard beer pong rules.

• NES Sports Challenge (Ty's House)

          - Random names pulled to determine who plays which game
          - Potential games (Pro Wrestling, Double Dribble, Blades of Steel, RBI Baseball, Super Tecmo Bowl)
          - Top Loader NES System Making an appearance this year

•  Lord Manly Cup Presentation (assuming anyone is conscious)  

***As always, events, times and rules subject to change as we collectively think of more bad ass ideas***

PS MFers -Updates to come on who is bringing what, unbelievable bowel movements and your ten day weather forecast.  

Your Favorite Extravaganza Has Returned

Brolympic Prop Bet Extravaganza

One Month Warning

General Update

With a month left to go until the most glorious time of the year, I thought I'd be generous and drop some knowledge on your collective asses.

The cashflow situation should be more favorable than last year.  We got a sweet deal on shirts, plus a generous sponsor, so it's looking like shirts may be on the house.  Beyond that, we're going to have the van transport to and from the Bowling Alley again.  Awaiting cost break down, but I think that it was close to $25/ person last year.

Speaking of bowling, you'll need some $ for 3 games / ordering food/ ordering drinks / collateral to pay for any damages that may incur at alley while you're blacked out of your gourd and/or dry humping the air vent at the ball return.

Always a great time to pay up for your fantasy leagues you may be in as well.

Prop bets are being worked on as I type.  If you want to participate, bring your $5 to toss in again this year.  If you have any fun bets to add, please share.  Email or comment on this post.  Think I have last years results and will scan and post when I dig them up. 

Schedule

The schedule is forthcoming (that's what she said), but opening ceremonies will be at 8 a.m. at Cornwall Borough Hockey Rink.  So you have options, sleep over Friday night at Ty's or drive your sleepy ass Saturday morning. 

Events

Minor tweaking from last year:

Hockey
Home Run Derby
Horse Shoes
Basketball
Bowling
Football Toss
Cornhole
Flip Cup
Beer Pong
NES/ Old School Gaming Consul Equivalent Sports Challenge

Reminders

Bring a waterbottle to drink out of when we're at the park in the morning.  Preferably not a clear bottle or one in the shape of a beer bottle.  I may have a few extras laying around house I can bring if anyone forgets.  Attempting to not draw anymore attention to ourselves than we already do.  I'm considering just filling my camel bag and wearing a backpack of pure pilsner all day.

Will be reaching out for help in who's bringing what as we get closer (i.e. Funnel, Football, Horse Shoes, etc.)

Look forward to updates on:

- Schedules
- Event breakdowns
- Prop bets
- Extended weather forecasts
- My BM's

September 22- ABWD

Wanted to try and figure out the best way to remind everyone of the date for Brolympics III.  I did some interesting research. Turns out Sept. 22 is former Mets clubhouse firecracker thrower Vince Coleman's birthday, as well as 1800's English Scientist/ LOST inspiration Michael Faraday's.  Also the steel strike of 1919 started on this date in PA.  But I'm sure you knew that already as well.  What I'm guessing you didn't know is that September 22 is American Business Women's Day. ( If you did know that, please hit the "X" in the top right hand corner, and then go punch yourself in the genitals for the shame you have brought upon this special occasion as well as the male gender as a whole.)

 How fitting, that ABWD is Sept. 22 and what a surprise!  So I google imaged searched the most appropriate image I could find for ABWD and this is what I found:

 I'm assuming this is the logo they put on their letter head and beer coozies.  Either way, use this as a memory device.  I now hope that Sept. 22 is burned into your psyche like the virtual herpes that are burned into those clip art panties. See you in 6 1/2 weeks, bring the Valtrex, leave the cannoli.

BROLYMPICS II RECAP - FINAL RIGHTS

The timeliest of recaps ends....NOW. (insert your own foreboding music)

Where last we left off, Team Navy was up 4 - 2 for the day heading into the inaugural event of:

EVENT SEVEN- LADDER GOLF

I have to be honest.  I don't remember much about this event either.  And it's not like it was "Mike at Bowling" not remembering, just an eh...not that exciting of an event.  Thus it being eliminated from this years festivities.  However, I think it may make a strong comeback in future years if we ever decide to light the balls on fire.  Just a thought.

I do know Team Orange pulled this one out of their collective asses and climbed back to with in one point.

TEAM NAVY 4 - TEAM ORANGE 3

Also, I snapped this absurd pic:

Someone better tell Anthony "jerking off the invisible man" isn't an event.

EVENT 8 - FLIP CUP

If year one taught us anything, it's that Team Orange (minus two players plus the Erno's going twice) aren't nothing to eff with when it comes to flip cup. Unfortunately for Team Orange, that wasn't the case this year.  Suspiciously there is no evidence of this event, as I would like to review what each of us were drinking.  I suspect the cups ranged from watered down goat piss for some, and microbrews with a side of nos for others. Team Navy prevails as the night starts to spiral out of control.

TEAM NAVY 5 - TEAM ORANGE 3

EVENT 9 - SUPER BEER PONG

Team Orange jumped out to a commanding lead.  They whittled down their cups pretty fast, but had a hellacious time clearing the table.  As the game drug on, madness ensued..

Not pictured (in no particular order):

• Ty obliterating the contents of Motz's wallet with a Iky Woodsesque spike to the drive way.
• Chris dropping half a sequoia tree on the fire.
• Pigott sacrificing some Tequila to the bonfire gods/ firebombing Ty's driveway.
• Chad dropping deuce #2?
• Team Orange barely holding for the victory to yet again pull them with in one point.

TEAM NAVY 5 - TEAM ORANGE 4

EVENT TEN- NES SPORTS CHALLENGE

The second brand new event and last event of the night was the NES Sports Challenge.  Each player faced off against a player from the opposing team in one of the Classic Nintendo sports games of yore. (or any sport game we could find on the Wii).

(the following match ups and individual results may not be 100% accurate...sue me bitches)

First up was Weaver vs. Lewis in DOUBLE DRIBBLE.  This was a blood bath.  Understandably so.  This game is as much in Lewis's blood as Chris has copious amounts of Grizzly in his. This was a Team USA vs. Nigeria situation.  Easy win for Lewis.

Next up was Mike vs. Pigott in BLADES OF STEEL.  Mike jumped out to a seemingly insurmountable lead in the first period.  Half way through the second, Nate started getting a feel for the game (and/or muscle memory from 20 years ago) and he made a game of it.  Ultimately Mike held on to win.

Chris and Ty took aim at Baseball.  Not RBI baseball...the very basic baseball.  As Chris hasn't picked up a controller since maybe this game came out, he's not a fan of this event.  Fortunately he was still working on his case of Busch Light and that no one is really that good at this game.  Ty and Chris were all tied in the bottom of the last inning.  Ty had runners on first and second, and hits an easy double play ball to the second basemen that should have forced extra innings.  Inexplicably Chris's second baseman stayed crouched like he was taking a dump on the outfield grass. Instead he was metaphorically taking a dump on Team Orange's hearts.  Bases chuck full of Ty's Team Navy guys.  There was talk of playing the outfield shallow, but then we remembered that Q-Bert had more options than this game. Ty hits a soft liner just over the tubby shortstop's arms and wins the game 2-1.

*you may ask yourself, "Why the eff do you remember so much detail on that game?"  Answer: most of it is filmed for prosperity's sake.

Chad takes on Anthony for a little Ice Hockey action.  None of this was on tape.  I'm pretty sure Chad won 38 - 4.  Regardless it wasn't close.  So for those keeping score, the NES sports challenge is all tied up at 2-2 going into the last game of the event. 

TECMO BOWL. 

Rose vs. Motz

I don't think a write up will even do justice.  Let's go to the bullet points:

• Rose had the high powered  Raiders with Bo Jackson and Marcus Allen.
• Motz was the high powered Giants with Lawrence Taylor playing coked out of his mind.
• Seriously LT had approximately 9 interceptions.
• No TD's were scored in this game
• Let me repeat that stat...No TD's were scored in this game.  A game where Bo Jackson or Marcus Allen had a 75% chance of ripping off a 80 TD, there were none to be had.
• Both teams combined for under 7 points.
• One team combined for 6 points.
• The other team was shut out.
• A shut out is when you score ZERO points.
• Final Score NY Giants (Motz) 6 - Raiders (Rose) 0.

FINAL BROLYMPIC SCORE:

TEAM NAVY 6 - TEAM ORANGE 4

Back to Back Brolympic Champions.



A Brief Word About the Holiday

America! F Yeah!

BROLYMPICS II BLACKOUT RECAP- PART II

Where last we left off, Team Navy was up on Team Orange 2-1 heading to the rape party van on the way to the Bowling Alley.  This is all I remember from that trip:

EVENT FOUR- BOWLING

And this is what I remember from Bowling:

and then...

Team Navy up 3-1

EVENT FIVE- HORSE SHOES

Somewhere during this event, I unexpectedly became the answer to one of the prop bets. You can tell from my camera angle, I was taking it easy.

Also during this event, others were working on their prop bets:

Speaking of prop bets, Chris E. was probably two cans of dip in and winning Team Orange horse shoes at this point of the day.  Unfortunately there was no award for best hair cut.  He would have won in a landslide.



Really unsure of what's going on in this picture.  Chad is heading to the hills, as if Chris is chucking shoes at him. 



TEAM NAVY 3 - TEAM ORANGE 2



EVENT SIX- CORNHOLE

As per usual in the best of three format, this tightly fought contest came down to round three.  Team Orange jumped out to a commanding lead, only points away from tieing the day at 3-3.  Not entirely sure of the score at this point, I consulted Lewis.  He estimates Orange was up 19-3.  I may go jump off a bridge if we didn't close 19-3. 

Any how, Lewis goes on to toss about three monster turns (scoring 10 pt. turns) and destroy Team Orange's hope of heading into the last four events all tied up.  Another legendary proformance in the early, yet prolific history of the Brolympics.

TEAM NAVY 4 - TEAM ORANGE 2

UP NEXT

The debut of Ladder Golf, I can't believe they deliver pizza out here, and hey Doc...there appears to be a discrepancy in what each of us are drinking during flip cup.