Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Shallow Thoughts- An Unrelated Editorial

Now most of us have children, and those that don't are subject to them on a regular basis.  Well...there's no easy way to transition into this subject, so I'm just going to rip the band aid off fast and ask...

Why don't kid's shits sink? 

Seriously.  If I converted my diet to 100% hot dogs, chicken fingers and candy would my deuces float?  (lets be honest, if that were the case I would have had a porcelain armada in college)  Mythbusters need to tackle this subject. 

Now when my little guy was just getting potty trained, the little floating feces weren't that alarming.  But now, I flip the toilet seat open first thing in the morning and find the G.I. Joe aircraft carrier waiting for me. 


It's inconceivable that this monster didn't sink. I honestly dont' remember if mine ever floated.  I can't see how.  Sticking with the nautical theme, I'm more like the Hunt for Red October. (no I don't shit telescopes) They keep diving and diving to deeper depths, never breaching the surface.

These floaters really have my mind racing.  Certainly if I was trapped on a desert island void of trees, I would try to convince the lone hot chick (also trapped on the island) that we would need to have lots of sex so that she could pop out a baby or two, in hopes of cultivating enough preschool poo to build a raft in 3-5 years. 

The initial conversation would probably go something like this:

ME: Hey...I can't help but notice we live next to each other.

HotChick: We're the only two people on this island.

ME: So I have this idea on how to get off...

HC: I've seen what you've been doing behind the bushes!

ME: Oh right...no, I have an idea how to get off the island.

HC: Really?  This isn't a trick for me to have sex with you is it?

ME: (incredulous) You think because you're the only vagina on this island not made from coconut husks, that I'm into you?

HC: I just assumed the way you've been staring at me from behind the bushes...

ME: Enough about the bushes!  Do you want to hear my plan or not?

....5 minutes pass while I explain the plan in great detail....

ME:  (cont)...and then to avoid chaffing from all the sand, I think it would be best if I laid in the shallow surf.

HC: (staring expressionless at me) I need you to start wearing pants.

ME: Soooo...want to go look at my sand sculpture porn to get in the mood?

-END SCENE-

Grant it, it's a long plan, and I haven't had an opportunity to iron out all the details yet, but I think it makes for a plausible escape option, if not for a potential summer blockbuster.

1 comment:

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