That's Rank- Long Distance Running Edition

You may be scratching your head at the mere thought of reviewing this.  You're probably thinking, "No one even brought this up."  Good, I'm just making sure it never does get brought up.  Let's keep it that way.



EDIT: some have missed the nuance of the NEGATIVE sign in front of the bingo. 
Thus, this is a NEGATIVE BINGO!
I said GOOD DAY SIR!

 

That's Rank- Field Goal Kicking Edition

Hey sports fans, we're back.  After the smashing success of That's Rank- Croquet Edition , where if you read "no feed back" as good feed back, then you all agree with the five bong bingo it received.  Good.  Onto the next ranking. (somewhere Lewis's head just exploded.)

FIELD GOAL KICKING COMPETITION

I sharted  chortled when I first heard this event bandied about as a contender.  Seriously, my sides still hurt from the vigorous yucks it evoked from my bowels.  I'm not even sure what hurts, as surely those aren't side muscles.(technical term)  Either way the thought of a field goal kicking competition was dismissed faster than white guys trying out for defensive back positions in the NFL. 

The thought of this event has now marinated in my head for the last three years.  I'm not sure what secret sauce it's marinating in (whiskey), but I'm not as dismissive of it as I initially was.  I'm not even 100% sure how we would play, only that it would surely be a distance competition.  I imagine everyone on each team gets a whack at the ball from a certain distance.  The ball is moved back 5 yards at a time and those that made it the previous round advance.  The ball keeps getting placed further away until there is one person left.  Let's stop the foreplay and jump into the pro/con list:

Pros:

• The unintentional comedy factor is off the charts.  Guys w/ zero form, and a half a case of brew in them trying to kick a field goal seems like it's destined to end up on one of those web based clip shows. 
• "Someone" from my team might be very good at this.
• We should all step out of our comfort zones and challenge ourselves with something new from time to time.
• Easy beverage consumption event
• Should not take a tremendous amount of time
• It gives Chris an excuse to wear steel toe

Cons:

• It's no croquet.
• Location logistics- it would involve another drive or a new park location unless...
• Unassumed legal fees due to the divorce situation we would cause for Ty... if we attach some PVC pipes to the top of his house and kick over it.

  

  Wait...maybe this should be on pro list.

• No impromptu hammer throws
• I'm not putting my finger there- you know where.

FINAL RANKING:





That's Rank- Croquet Edition

Before we dive into our first event review of the preseason, make sure you familiarize yourself with the ranking system associated with these columns.  And if you've seen through my blatant attempt to make sure you've looked at the rankings again, congratulations Sherlock...I can't hide how unnaturally pleased I am with myself.  So much so, that I'm currently holding my backpack in front of me... if you know what I mean.

Insert record scratch...

Awkward transition into first event review:

CROQUET

Non-believers, keep an open mind.  This potential new event is the proverbial bomb. Honestly, that's all I should have to write.  However, I will continue on, simply to pad this column for length. (In case you're doing some light reading on the throne and need some time to finish your masterpiece.) (I'm a considerate m'fer.)

First off, this is not your grandmother's Croquet.  Get this image out of your head (as well as the previous one if possible):

Not yo mama's croquet

Second off, I'm not going to hide my unabashed, completely biased opinion of this event. If you have a problem with that, start your own blog go bong some jooze.  This will be the perfect back yard event to maximize competition as well as beverage consumption. 

If chosen, we will be playing standard Erno rules. 

Standard Erno Rules:

The layout is your typical nine wicket layout.

Each person will take a turn trying to get your ball through the next corresponding wicket.  Every time your ball passes through a wicket (more than half way) you are permitted another turn.  If you hit another players ball, you have the option for another turn, or you may "send" your opponent.  Sending consists of placing your opponent's ball next to yours (hehehe).  Place your foot on top of your ball securing it to the ground.  Then take a monstrous cut at the front of your ball causing your opponents ball to go flying across the course, or into a non-advantageous location.  (Mouth guards and/or cups may be needed.)

On your way through the course, at the north end, you must hit your ball through the double wicket and then hit the pole before advancing back south.  At the south end of the course, you must hit your ball through both wickets WITHOUT hitting the pole at the end. (tricky, tricky)  Those who hit the pole at the end are out of the game. 

Sayonara red ball!

Players that successfully navigate your way through the entire course become stingers. Stingers, on their turns, may take aim at other players.  If a stinger hits you, you are out of the game.  Erno rules state that if you hit a stinger on your turn, you are not out.  You have the standard option for another turn, or the possibly wise decision to send the stinger far away. (see how awesome this would be?!) Last man standing wins.


Let's break this down into a little pro/con action to accentuate the curves if you will:

Pros:

• It kicks ass
• Easy to hold a beverage at all times
• No driving involved...unless I'm sending your ass into Ty's woods.
• High entertainment value while you wait your turn
• It's an event that levels playing field, not a high amount of skill needed.
• An excellent mix of strategy and aggression
• Impromptu Hammer Throws

Cons:

• None

Final Ranking:

That's Rank!

In another attempt to keep things moving until Oct. 12, another new segment is in the works. With out further ado:


That's Rank!

This is where I will be reviewing potential new events as well as a some classic events.  Note- the reviews may not reflect the opinions, tastes or delicate sensibilities of the Brolympic Board of Governors. 

Here is the rating system:


One Bong:  A one bong rating is the lowest rating an event can get.  It's not quite as bad as tweezing nut hairs off a hobo, and weaving those hairs into a pot holder, and using that pot holder as a dust mask and/or loofah, but honestly...it's not much better.

Two Bong: A two bong rating is not the worst, but it's lacking something. Mainly nut hairs from a hobo. It's like a porn star getting fluffed with sandpaper.  The intent is admirable, but the execution is less than attractive.

Three Bong: The three bonger is the Mendoza line of Brolympic event ratings.  Hover a little over this line and you have a pretty decent event.  Start to teeter under it, and you're dangerously close to being a Hello Kitty Pog round robin tournament. 

 Four Bong: You can't get much better than a four bong rating.  An event worthy of this is almost perfection.  Something so great, yet has a small flaw holding it back.  Think, motor-boating  Kate Upton, only to look up and see your parents/ priest/ rabbi/ or wife. 

Five Bong: Also known as a "BINGO".  Which is ironic, because plain old bingo would only receive a  two bong rating, at best. However, if we played where someone from your team had to take a shot every time a number was called out on your board...well, then we might be on to something.  It would give "blackout" a new meaning.  This is the holy grail of events, reserved for fabled performances, where the competition and boozing of the day blend perfectly.  These are the events where legends are made and the stories of them will be shared for many generations.    

Please reference this handy ranking system anytime an event is reviewed.  As an added bonus, feel free to incorporate it into everyday life:

 In the bedroom,

"Sweety, that was a 3 1/2 bonger". 

In the work place,

 "That report was a four bong effort!"

 "Excuse me sir, I don't think I follow..."

 "Imagine me motor-boating Kate Upton, only to have a church choir in the back ground"

  "For mood music?"

 "BINGO!"

And many other hilarious situations.  Stay tuned for the actual event reviews, in the next 1-3 months.  Stay classy San Diego.

Woke up this Morning...

The planning continues as we march ever so slowly to Columbus Day weekend. It seems only fitting that I will be around so many Italians over our version of St. Patricks day. 

My brain hurts from another productive brainstorming session last night.  One thing that we need input on (if I remember correctly):

• Who can make it Friday for preliminary events?  I'm going to try blogger polling again, and see if we can get results.  Only answer under your own name you monkeys. (EDIT: Blogger is such a whore, their polls suck soooo very hard.  Survey Monkey Link to follow once I get a chance)
  
  
  FRIDAY Survey: Spank the Monkey

Preliminary events will be an excuse for those that are taking Friday off, or getting over to Ty's early in the afternoon an opportunity for some pre-game day competition.  For example, Ty and Weav golfed last year.  This will probably happen again.  Other events brandied about for Friday evening are Foosball and Three-Point Shoot Out (since it was such a success last year).  (events and parameters to be finalized)

In order to make these preliminary events worth while, there will be incentive.  My first idea was that for every preliminary event a team lost, that would equal one shot the losing team would have to take before the first event on Saturday.  Say a team gets swept three events on Friday night, they could be doing three shots prior to the first event Saturday morning.  While that is a great incentive to win, I think this next idea may be more strategic and fun.

Which ever team wins the friday preliminary events, they get to choose the wild card event to compete in on Saturday.  There will be a handful of events to choose from.  For example, if you win Friday nights prelims, you may be able to choose from (Football Toss, Field Goal Kicking, Bocce Ball, Darts, etc.)

These "pros" may or may not be joining us

Since not every one's schedule is flexible and one of us is flying, we didn't want to make the events "count" point wise Friday, but we did want to expand for those that can make it.  We'll get a feel for numbers and go from there.  At this point the events for either day are not finalized so we'll be working on this as we go. 

More info and input to follow.  

Breaking News

White smoke has been spotted from the Brolympic Conclave, and a roster decision has been made.  Drum roll please...

After much deliberating, numerous polls, backroom deals and a chalk board resembling Will Hunting's... it has been determined that teams will remain the same.  This was not the easiest of processes, and may not please everyone, but a compromise has been reached.  Same teams, with the caveat that events will need tinkered with.  Specifics have not been nailed down, but in order to keep teams the same, some of the physical events will be modified.  If this doesn't help close the gap, then next year teams will be blown up. We appreciate everyone's feedback and passionate responses involving feces.  

That being said, now we can focus on more entertaining topics, like adding events, Friday evening expansion, and favorite porn sites.  (All American Midget Tossing Pornorama?)  Speaking of good old fashion fun, I'll be emailing everyone for t-shirt sizes so I can start that glorious process.

Final thought...everyone have October 12 blocked off still?  No weddings, anniversaries, bed bath and beyond or excuses. 

Be there, or be dead.

New Feature Alert

Looking to add some content in between brain storming sessions and legitimate updates, I've decided to add some inspirational pictures found on the interweb.  These will either inspire you to new heights or motivate you to keep from ending up like the poor chumps in the photos.  Without further ado:

Picture Pages

Let's just assume Billy C. is cool with us using the title.

Inspired yet?

How about now?  Rose?

I'm not going to judge, still looks refreshing.

I propose we make this a prop bet, just so someone's neck is used as a junk rest.