That's Rank- Long Distance Running Edition

You may be scratching your head at the mere thought of reviewing this.  You're probably thinking, "No one even brought this up."  Good, I'm just making sure it never does get brought up.  Let's keep it that way.



EDIT: some have missed the nuance of the NEGATIVE sign in front of the bingo. 
Thus, this is a NEGATIVE BINGO!
I said GOOD DAY SIR!

 

That's Rank- Field Goal Kicking Edition

Hey sports fans, we're back.  After the smashing success of That's Rank- Croquet Edition , where if you read "no feed back" as good feed back, then you all agree with the five bong bingo it received.  Good.  Onto the next ranking. (somewhere Lewis's head just exploded.)

FIELD GOAL KICKING COMPETITION

I sharted  chortled when I first heard this event bandied about as a contender.  Seriously, my sides still hurt from the vigorous yucks it evoked from my bowels.  I'm not even sure what hurts, as surely those aren't side muscles.(technical term)  Either way the thought of a field goal kicking competition was dismissed faster than white guys trying out for defensive back positions in the NFL. 

The thought of this event has now marinated in my head for the last three years.  I'm not sure what secret sauce it's marinating in (whiskey), but I'm not as dismissive of it as I initially was.  I'm not even 100% sure how we would play, only that it would surely be a distance competition.  I imagine everyone on each team gets a whack at the ball from a certain distance.  The ball is moved back 5 yards at a time and those that made it the previous round advance.  The ball keeps getting placed further away until there is one person left.  Let's stop the foreplay and jump into the pro/con list:

Pros:

• The unintentional comedy factor is off the charts.  Guys w/ zero form, and a half a case of brew in them trying to kick a field goal seems like it's destined to end up on one of those web based clip shows. 
• "Someone" from my team might be very good at this.
• We should all step out of our comfort zones and challenge ourselves with something new from time to time.
• Easy beverage consumption event
• Should not take a tremendous amount of time
• It gives Chris an excuse to wear steel toe

Cons:

• It's no croquet.
• Location logistics- it would involve another drive or a new park location unless...
• Unassumed legal fees due to the divorce situation we would cause for Ty... if we attach some PVC pipes to the top of his house and kick over it.

  

  Wait...maybe this should be on pro list.

• No impromptu hammer throws
• I'm not putting my finger there- you know where.

FINAL RANKING:





That's Rank- Croquet Edition

Before we dive into our first event review of the preseason, make sure you familiarize yourself with the ranking system associated with these columns.  And if you've seen through my blatant attempt to make sure you've looked at the rankings again, congratulations Sherlock...I can't hide how unnaturally pleased I am with myself.  So much so, that I'm currently holding my backpack in front of me... if you know what I mean.

Insert record scratch...

Awkward transition into first event review:

CROQUET

Non-believers, keep an open mind.  This potential new event is the proverbial bomb. Honestly, that's all I should have to write.  However, I will continue on, simply to pad this column for length. (In case you're doing some light reading on the throne and need some time to finish your masterpiece.) (I'm a considerate m'fer.)

First off, this is not your grandmother's Croquet.  Get this image out of your head (as well as the previous one if possible):

Not yo mama's croquet

Second off, I'm not going to hide my unabashed, completely biased opinion of this event. If you have a problem with that, start your own blog go bong some jooze.  This will be the perfect back yard event to maximize competition as well as beverage consumption. 

If chosen, we will be playing standard Erno rules. 

Standard Erno Rules:

The layout is your typical nine wicket layout.

Each person will take a turn trying to get your ball through the next corresponding wicket.  Every time your ball passes through a wicket (more than half way) you are permitted another turn.  If you hit another players ball, you have the option for another turn, or you may "send" your opponent.  Sending consists of placing your opponent's ball next to yours (hehehe).  Place your foot on top of your ball securing it to the ground.  Then take a monstrous cut at the front of your ball causing your opponents ball to go flying across the course, or into a non-advantageous location.  (Mouth guards and/or cups may be needed.)

On your way through the course, at the north end, you must hit your ball through the double wicket and then hit the pole before advancing back south.  At the south end of the course, you must hit your ball through both wickets WITHOUT hitting the pole at the end. (tricky, tricky)  Those who hit the pole at the end are out of the game. 

Sayonara red ball!

Players that successfully navigate your way through the entire course become stingers. Stingers, on their turns, may take aim at other players.  If a stinger hits you, you are out of the game.  Erno rules state that if you hit a stinger on your turn, you are not out.  You have the standard option for another turn, or the possibly wise decision to send the stinger far away. (see how awesome this would be?!) Last man standing wins.


Let's break this down into a little pro/con action to accentuate the curves if you will:

Pros:

• It kicks ass
• Easy to hold a beverage at all times
• No driving involved...unless I'm sending your ass into Ty's woods.
• High entertainment value while you wait your turn
• It's an event that levels playing field, not a high amount of skill needed.
• An excellent mix of strategy and aggression
• Impromptu Hammer Throws

Cons:

• None

Final Ranking:

That's Rank!

In another attempt to keep things moving until Oct. 12, another new segment is in the works. With out further ado:


That's Rank!

This is where I will be reviewing potential new events as well as a some classic events.  Note- the reviews may not reflect the opinions, tastes or delicate sensibilities of the Brolympic Board of Governors. 

Here is the rating system:


One Bong:  A one bong rating is the lowest rating an event can get.  It's not quite as bad as tweezing nut hairs off a hobo, and weaving those hairs into a pot holder, and using that pot holder as a dust mask and/or loofah, but honestly...it's not much better.

Two Bong: A two bong rating is not the worst, but it's lacking something. Mainly nut hairs from a hobo. It's like a porn star getting fluffed with sandpaper.  The intent is admirable, but the execution is less than attractive.

Three Bong: The three bonger is the Mendoza line of Brolympic event ratings.  Hover a little over this line and you have a pretty decent event.  Start to teeter under it, and you're dangerously close to being a Hello Kitty Pog round robin tournament. 

 Four Bong: You can't get much better than a four bong rating.  An event worthy of this is almost perfection.  Something so great, yet has a small flaw holding it back.  Think, motor-boating  Kate Upton, only to look up and see your parents/ priest/ rabbi/ or wife. 

Five Bong: Also known as a "BINGO".  Which is ironic, because plain old bingo would only receive a  two bong rating, at best. However, if we played where someone from your team had to take a shot every time a number was called out on your board...well, then we might be on to something.  It would give "blackout" a new meaning.  This is the holy grail of events, reserved for fabled performances, where the competition and boozing of the day blend perfectly.  These are the events where legends are made and the stories of them will be shared for many generations.    

Please reference this handy ranking system anytime an event is reviewed.  As an added bonus, feel free to incorporate it into everyday life:

 In the bedroom,

"Sweety, that was a 3 1/2 bonger". 

In the work place,

 "That report was a four bong effort!"

 "Excuse me sir, I don't think I follow..."

 "Imagine me motor-boating Kate Upton, only to have a church choir in the back ground"

  "For mood music?"

 "BINGO!"

And many other hilarious situations.  Stay tuned for the actual event reviews, in the next 1-3 months.  Stay classy San Diego.