Don't Call it a Comeback

BROIV RECAPATATION: PART V- EFF, THIS STILL ISN'T FINISHED?

UNFINISHED BUSINESS
Shame on me for neglecting possibly the most memorable moment of BROIV. Someone decided that in the middle of a bowling alley, next to some very impressionable youth, would be the most ideal time and place to unveil another one of his work's of art.

 However, it also gave us one of the better quotes of the day: "It's hard to show without a lot of genitalia!" Well done sir.  You may become familiar with Megan's Law after all.
 

ROAD TRIP

After a pointless third bowling game and what I'd like to refer to as "group memory loss", we all found our way back to the van for the ride back to Brolympic HQ.  This is where things get dicey.  I must have been super engrossed in a conversation, because I'm having trouble remembering a decent chunk of this ride.  I can only assume that there must have been a detour or the driver took the scenic route, because I DO remember feeling a tiny bit nauseous.  My motion sickness/ vertigo was obviously kicking in, and I was doing my best to play it off while clearly carrying whatever deep and thoughtful conversation I was so engaged in.  Probably had something to do with importing/ exporting.  Mercifully we arrived back at BRO HQ and was able to catch some fresh air.  Seriously, stuck in a glorified mystery machine with the funk of ten dudes after five grueling events, I was struggling.

EVENT SIX- CORNHOLE
Despite memories being touch and go, it is firmly established that Team Army is still down 3-2, entering a game that they dominated the previous year. With a chance to tie the day up, hopes were as high as team spirits.

In one of the first games, Mike E. and Weaver were teamed up against Fugate and Deluca.  I'm not going to beat around the bush.  I want to sincerely own up to this...  I think my ghost appendix was giving me phantom pains and a few meatballs may have escaped the dungeon that is my gut.

It was super unfortunate timing. Fortunately for Team Blue, more of my bile found Ty's yard than  bags found the cornhole board. Also, Deluca was on fire. (source?)  Team Blue puts me and Weav out of my misery 22-14.

In game two...which must have been blacked out due to BROLYMPIC television rights, as there is no footage from it...Team Army didn't fair much better.  Chad and Rose were dismantled by Lewis and Motz 21-10.  Nate and Chris never got to play and had a front row seat to all the carnage. 

The following stats were scribbled in the Official Brolympic IV Scorebook:

MVP: Deluca
Most Sunk Shots: Lewis

Take it for what it's worth.  Instead of a tie game, Blue is up on Army 4-2, with a controversial new event...Croquet, up next.

EVENT SEVEN- CROQUET
Master of the mallet, Chris, designed an ambitious course for our first venture into the BEST BACK YARD GAME (involving wickets)EVER!  To say this was a challenging course would undersell the difficulty of it.  This course was like trying to beat Contra, minus the code.

Rose's Newest Ink???

Another mitigating factor in the difficulty of this course was the fading day light.  Ultimately with Deluca about to become the first stinger in the game and make things super interesting, the game had to be called due to darkness.  An ominous beginning to the new fan favorite event*.

*completely and legitimately verified with everyone.

EVENT EIGHT thru ELEVEN- FLIPCUP, FOOSBALL, BEER PONG, NES CHALLENGE

Let's be real.  Like OJ, no one really knows what happened.  I do know some foosball was played due to this evidence:

But beyond that, I'm pretty sure some beer pong was played.  Darts were played.  Bob showed up. This quote was birthed, "Nate just took a drag off my wrench." BROIV was officially off the rails. Like the lost Colony of Roanoke, this will be one of life's unsolved mysteries.  The only thing we do know is that Team Blue continued their impressive dynasty with their 4th straight championship. (Parity what?)  The night ended for me as I had this Goldilocks moment when I tried to go to bed. Someone was sleeping in my bed...with my pillow...and my sleeping bag.  I thought to myself..."what would Deluca do?"  So I went and curled up in a dark closet with my beach towel...good night BROLYMPICS, hello darkness my sweet friend.  Another "memorable" life event in the books.  Thanks for playing boys. Can't wait for BROV.

 

BROIV RECAPATATION: PART IV- A NEW HOPE

The fact that I've now stretched this recap to part four and I'm only on event four is some sort of miracle on par with the Chris E. not straight up murdering someone while visiting Disney World.  That being said, buckle up, this thing could be over faster than Claude Giroux's hands on a cops ass.

EVENT FOUR: THREE POINT SHOOT OUT
Team Blue is up 2-1 on Team Army heading into the revamped basketball event of the day.  Fearful of more dental emergencies, full court basketball was converted to a three point shoot out this year.  Weaver opened the event, scoring 7 pts for team Army.  Anthony answered with three points for team blue.  7-3 Army after one shooter a piece. Chris, not wanting Anthony to walk away with scoring the least amount of points promptly posted a 2. As expected, Lewis did okay at this event, walking away with 9 spot. 12-9 Team Blue.  Rose put up 4, while Motz tried to keep things close with a 2 of his own. 14-13 Blue.  Chad added 4 more to Team Army's tally, but Blue started pulling away with Nate's elite 8.  22-17 Blue.   Mike E. somehow scored 6 points to put Army up by one 23-22 with one shooter left for Blue.  Unfortunately for Army, you could say Blue's next shooter had a what some may refer to as a "home court advantage".  Ty did not disappoint, adding an elite 8 of his own. Sealing round one for Blue with a score of 30-23.

Throughout the three point shoot out, many side bets were taking place.  Perhaps too many by one man.  Mike E. was determined to get enough people to take different shots... to one, get the over on the "number of different types of alcohol consumed" prop bet and two, get the other team drinking liquor.  To accomplish this feat, he would have to compromise and bet shots over something called "Dude" and then make a 3 pt. shot. Lets just say Mike E. never thought he'd be taking so many shots of dude in his life. (quote him on that)

Undetermined, Team Army forged ahead and stole round two as Team Blue looked like they were auditioning for some HGTV masonry special with the amount of bricks they were laying. Here's the official break down of round 2:

1. Weaver- 7          2. Anthony- 7          Army 7 - Blue 7
3. Chris- 4              4. Lewis- 7             Army 11- Blue 14
5. Rose- 8              6. Motz- 1              Army 19 - Blue 15
7. Lentz- 4             8. Pigott- 3             Army 23- Blue 18
9. Mike E.- 5        10. Fugate- 3           Army 28 - Blue 21

Unexpectedly, we were heading to round 3!  Team Army's excitement of pushing this underdog of an event to a third round was quickly extinguished as they decided to do some fancy brick work of their own.  They were tossing bricks as if the big bad wolf was on a bullet train straight for Brolympic HQ.  And always a bad sign, Mike E. had the high score for Army with his 4 spot to close round 3.  Unfortunately they were down by 8 going into the final frame and Ty tacked on four more for Blue for the final score of 22-14 team Blue. For completests here is the box score for Round 3:

1. Weaver- 3          2. Anthony- 7          Army 3 - Blue 7
2. Chris- 2              4. Lewis- 3             Army 5 - Blue 10
5. Rose- 2              6. Motz- 4              Army 7 - Blue 14
7. Lentz- 3              8. Pigott- 4            Army 10 - Blue 18
9. Mike E.- 4         10. Fugate- 4          Army 14 - Blue 22

Team Blue finds themselves in a familiar position up 3-1 heading into event 5.

 Three point vine in the hizzy! 

(not pictured Nate)

 Nate in the hizzy!

(not pictured three point vine)

(or Chad's Jeep a millimeter on Ty's neighbors yard)

MVP: Lewis
Player w/ Most 3 Pointers: Lewis
Most 3 Pointers in a Round: Under 8.5
First Air Ball: Weaver

Combined years of education...off the charts.

LUNCH BREAK
Being the geniuses that we are, meatballs were prepared in advance this year so that we were not going to the Bowling Alley on an empty stomach.  Many meatballs were devoured.  Some honey flavored whiskey was also consumed. (#foreshadowing) All and all, a brief nutritious break to the days festivities.  

EVENT FIVE: BOWLING
There were certain expectations involving the van ride to the bowling alley.  Some drinking performances from prior years were not replicated.  Speaking for myself, I could not balance the delicate dance of Kobayashi'ing multiple brews on top of a belly full of dude and meat, all while sitting shotgun and trying to hold a conversation with our third year driver.  Let's be honest, a man can only have so much magic in him.

I've made a huge mistake...

Bowling is always a cluster eff of fun and debauchery.  I'm really not sure how it happened, but Team Army...the same Team Army that have been OH for THREE the last three years in bowling...not winning a single round of bowling...THAT Team Army, WON THE FIRST TWO ROUNDS AND THE EVENT THIS YEAR!  Do you believe in musty rental shoed miracles?!!

Here's the break down:

                 G1      G2       G3
Chris        142      86      124
Mike E.    101    110        85
Chad        138    157      130
Rose         109    159      119
Weaver     144    134      144
                 634    646     599

                 G1      G2      G3  
Anthony    103     119     103
Ty             126     126     136
Lewis        133     121     129
Motz           66       88     149
Pigott         160    139     119
                  588    587     636

First Strike: Chris
First Gutter Ball: Weaver
Highest Score: Pigott
Highest Score in One Game:  Under 185.5
High Team Score in One Game: Under 690.5
MVP: Chad

The win draws Army closer with Blue still leading 3-2 on the day. An extra shot in Hockey or few more baskets in Three Point Shoot Out and this could be a much different story.

UP NEXT:

• Why is the earth spinning so fast?
• Wait, did we already play corn hole?
• Seriously we played corn hole?
• Pssst...how'd I do?
• Croquet rules!
• Speaking of spinning...foosball anyone?
• Wrench cigars for the win

BROIV RECAPATATION: PART TRES

The Saga Continues

When last we left our bro-athletes, Team Blue was up 1-0 on the day after a grueling hockey game.  The general public was enthralled by the level of competition, but miffed at the lack of body-armor-enhanced elbows to the head and story lines filled with bad blood. 

EVENT TWO: HOME RUN DERBY

Home Run Derby is a magical event that allows proper time to "rehydrate" after hockey.  We also get to have a good laugh at everyone who only swings a bat once a year. Like the different MLB stadiums, the distance to hit a home run varies from year to year at Brolympics, as we never have a set distance from home plate to the outfield fence.  Some years, such as BROIII, there are many dingers.  Others, such as BROIV, a one handed dude could have kept score. 

Umm...hi...yeah, I'm here to bang your/our/my sister, and to possibly keep score?

You could say things started off slow, as after 4 batters, the score was Army 2 - Blue 1.  Motz batting fifth knocked three more yard, but Rose followed that up with four of his own.  6 - 4 Army with a two run lead.  Ty then answered Rose's four with another four spot. Mike E. one upped the previous two batters, blasting five dingers while screaming "Bring me the finest meats and cheeses in all the land!". 11 - 8 Army with a batter left for each team.  Two big dogs, including the winner of 2012's contest (with 10 Yahtzee's!) Weaver and Mr. Walk-Off himself, Pigott. Ultimately Pigott fell one short of tying the game and putting any pressure on Weaver who put the finishing touches on the Army victory by going yard twice as well.  Final score 13 - 10, Army ties the day up at 1-1.

MVP: Mike E.
Most Home Runs By One Player: Under 10.5
Longest Home Run: Pigott

EVENT THREE: HORSE SHOES

The games were at an all too familiar spot after two events, tied 1-1 going into Horse Shoes.  Despite the addition of homemade backstops, after many minutes of low scoring tosses, and the fear that we may be late for our first class trip to the bowling alley, an audible was called and games were played to 15 instead of 21.  In one of the first round match-ups we had Lentz and Weaver going head-to-head with Pigott and Fugate.

It was close but no cigar for Army as Blue bested them 15-12 in one of the first round matches.  Over on the other side of the field, we had a Chris and Rose vs. Lewis and Motz.

 To say it was a blood bath would be a slap in the face to the 15 -3 domination that Pigott/Deluca laid on Rose/Lentz in 2012.  But it wasn't close.  Eventual event MVP Motz was feeling it and Blue took the second of the first round matches down 17 -10.  No need for the interesting third round match up of the Erno's vs. Fugate/Deluca.  As you can tell, I spent my event time snapping some action shots and continuing to rehydrate...surely not foreshadowing anything for later in the day.

 On a personal level, if I was able to pull a positive from this event, it's that it gave me a new caller ID photo for Deluca.

MVP: Motz
First Ringer: Motz
Ringers in One Game: Under 4.5

UP NEXT:

• It's raining threes...and tequila!
• Why yes I'll have a side of whiskey with those meatballs. (that's what she said)
• Annual bowling mayhem
• Darkness (unrelated to the previous three bullet points) (probably)

BROIV Recapatation Part Duex

Spirits were high as we approached the official beginning of The 2013 Brolympic Games. Team Army's unity was at an all time high. Group texts, clandestine training meet ups and over the top strategy talk dominated the last few months leading up to BROIV. I can only assume Team Blue was preoccupied with catching up on some online Double Dribble fan fiction, or training for something completely unnecessary, like gargling tequila while reciting the 1992 Phillie's roster in reverse alphabetical order.

...and then, after the pyramid formation, the cheerleaders did something called "the human centipede".

Regardless, the months of build up had lead us to this point:

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!

OPENING CEREMONIES

For the fourth year in a row, Team Army gets an early lead in beverage consumption as Rossello performs his customary opening bong.

Folks...get used to this.

  EVENT ONE: STREET HOCKEY

 Despite an intense rivalry and some tight games, Team Blue has bested Team Army every year in Hockey (as well as the entire Brolympic games...if wikipedia is to be believed).  It didn't appear as if history was going to change as Ty lit the lamp and put Team Blue up 1-0 early in the first period.  They made it 2-0 in the second and Team Army was having a difficult time solving Blue's defensive scheme.  After some intense back and forth action, Team Army found the back of the next and halved the lead, 2-1.

 

The third period brought out an whole new intensity from Team Army as Rossello and Weaver both fired shots past Lewis.  One of the goals being a beautiful one-timer off of Rose's stick (if I'm remembering correctly and not just flashing back to the 8-1 thumping of the Blues I just administered in game 2 of my NHL14 Stanley Cup Final.)

Do you believe in ALMOST miracles?!! With Army nursing an unheard of 3-2 lead deep into the 3rd, Team Blue tied it up with a late shot from someone that I also don't remember. (stellar work me!)  You smell what I smell??? BONUS HOCKEY!  You heard it here last...unlike an ellipsis, three periods wasn't enough. (whaaat... grammar humor?!! Watch that highbrow sh*t merno, I came here for booby references and fart jokes!)

Flashback to BROI which also went to OT.  Like a virgin on prom night, it only lasted 7 seconds as Pigott took the face off and buried it past Lentz.  This years OT lasted a few more pumps as both teams traded chances.  Midway through the extra period Deluca took the ball from behind the net and beat Lentz to the corner post for his second goal of the game and put Team Blue in a familiar position, up 1-0 for the day.

Team Army Goals: Weaver (2), Rossello (1)
Team Blue Goals: Deluca (2), Fugate (1), Motz (1)

Prop Bets:

• First to Score- Ty
• MVP- Anthony
• Combine Goal Count: Over 6.5 goals

Up Next:

• Going yard
• Bad box of Trix: complete with unlucky horse shoes
• Would you like some Dude with your 3pt vine?

BROIV Recapatation

Do not adjust your browser, underpants or proxy settings...this is really happening.  This is not some malicious code that has bypassed your firewall due to copious hours of online wanking ...marital research.  This is the real deal Holyfield.

Alright guys...full disclosure.  This was always going to be a "fuzzy" recap.  The fact that we're now 7 months down the rabbit hole does not bode well for an all encompassing, uber accurate recount of this glorious October weekend from 2013. 

IN THE BEGINNING....
It rained.  And it rained some more.  And after that, it rained a shit ton more.  Luckily, I had already received a message from the big man upstairs....Al Roker.

 My neighbors were mocking me..."portable horse shoe backstops"?  "Feh!"  They stared as I loaded them two by two (with a helpful assist from Anthony...perhaps trying to butter me up before the weekend rumble) (helpful note...a handy and a shot of whiskey will always trump manual labor when "buttering" me up) (another tried and true method...actual butter...like the sculpture from the farm show...never doesn't work). Back to the task at hand...One foosball table, 10 wiffle balls, 15 hockey sticks, 2 croquet sets, 2 basketballs, horseshoes, an eight foot table, a bingo roller, vintage NES games, a box of liquor and a cooler of beer...among many other items. If the reset button was going to be hit on the world, we were going to get a head start.

I drove my overloaded, water logged, Sanford and Son wannabe ark down the turn pike...ready for Armageddon.

FRIDAY AFTERNOON
Instead of the golf scramble, where I was pleasantly hoping to wow everyone with my raw untapped natural ability, we were forced to go drink and eat due to the bikini bottom* like conditions of the golf course.

*You will be delighted to be made aware that this reference works two ways:
  1. As a shout out to my son and his favorite animated show
  2. A natural physical condition that affects swim suit models when they stand too close to me.

Experimental beers and mixed drinks were enjoyed.  As always, we were well on our way to properly pacing ourselves for the following days events.

SELECTION SHOW
Friday evening brought about another first for the ever improving (hopefully) Brolympic games...the first ever "Selection Show".  There is some video and other pictures from this event floating around...sadly I'm in possession of neither. The first big surprise of the evening was our host/ co-commissioner/ curator of Brolympic HQ arriving in a tux for the Selection Show. Real class act, and if I can say...really set the tone for the evening.

The selection show had a little bit of everything.  Randomized event match ups were determined, entrance music, the greatest use of Facetime I've ever seen, hashtags, mini-games, t-shirt reveals, unsolicited screaming into an ipad, and perhaps the biggest surprise of the weekend:

The completely randomized match ups:

 

 

 As the selection show wound down, the evening took a fairly typical turn. The quote board began to fill up with gems such as:

     "I pull my censored out when I spin."
     "I'm not familiar with Megan's Law, so let's break it!"
     "It's far from blown."

Team building was also at an all time high:

While others took an opportunity to bone up on some skillz...

The least surprising outcome of the evening was the scant regard for personal preservation any of us had for the following day.

Up Next:
- Opening Ceremonies
- Miracle on non-ice?
- Hey this part of the day actually sounds familiar!
- And much more!!!

New Bowling Prop Bet?

This is pretty epic:

http://sploid.gizmodo.com/120-foot-bowling-strike-is-possibly-the-longest-bowling-1579218536/+jesusdiaz