BROCHO RECAPABLES- Part Two

FRIDAY

Early Friday morning, the Commish documented the calm before the storm:

Things would be significantly less tranquil hours later.

As bro-athletes started to roll into HQ, they were met w/ a sniff and sometimes nip of the crotch by the official four legged friend of The Brocho.  Another fun, unofficial game is to see how much stuff 9 extra dudes can cram into Bro HQ.  

 A.M. GOLF

Weaver, Ty, Deluca and Chris started the Friday festivities with an 8:30 a.m. tee time.  Things got off to a rocky start when the foursome realized that the Hornitos was forgotten.  It was a real Kevin McCallister situation.

Although Chris was trying to compensate by consuming a Busch Light per hole.  Three hours into the round, perhaps the funniest phrase ever uttered at a Brolympics was unleashed...by the Course Ranger. 

SCRAMBLE

After a lunch at the always reliable Iron Valley Clubhouse, the scramble tee'd off at 1:30 p.m.  We split into three groups of three.

Group One- Weaver, Chris and Mike E. - unofficial team name "Team Werno"

Group Two- Ty, Rose and Nate- unofficial team name "Team Leg Day"

Group Three- Chad, Anthony, and Steve- unofficial team name "Team SAC" 

I don't have a lot of news from the other trios, but Team Werno had plenty of documentation.  I don't golf that much, is a triple bogey in a scramble good? Here we are paying our appropriate dues for our combined ineptitude. 

Much later, and possibly unrelated...sometime between the 15th and 16th, I heard a hellacious thump, turned around and witnessed this:

Weav dumped Chris face first into the hill. Unfortunately only caught the aftermath.  Weav felt pretty bad about it too- "My abs are injured from laughing".  Some other less painful pics from the afternoon:

 MONKEY!

 Another pic of Weav and his shitty form.  What a loser.

I'm out of captions...how about, Upper Allen man surprise humps Georgia man's ear? Georgia man has no complaints. 

 Nate effectively keeping the rowdy gallery quiet.

Busch Light's stock always sky rockets in September/ October for some reason.

 Hoooooooooorn....

 ...itos!

This is what +9 through 15 looks like.  

Ultimately the trio of (insert your own memory) was triumphant, and everyone headed back to the club house for the pre-selection show meal. Another great afternoon spent on the links with this crew.

PROP BETS:

• Longest Drive Hole #1- Mike E.
• First in Sand Trap: Weaver
• First to Lose Ball: Anthony
• First Player to Complete Par: Mike E.
• First Hornitos Side Bet: Over/Under Hole 3.5- Over (Hole 4)

UP NEXT:

• Pool Time
• Selection Show
• Hot Tub Time Machine
• Georgia Jet Lag

BROCHO RECAPABLES- Part One

Can you feel it in the air? I'm no Phil Collins, but it feels like BROIX is right around the corner. Of course that means the BROCHO needs recapped ASAP. So lets skip the wordy preamble and dive in.

FAVORITE NEW TRADITION
By far my favorite new tradition of the days leading up to Brolympics is the sharing of packing pictures. Nothing gets me more excited, or my liver so anxious.

THURS NIGHT
Anthony, and Mike E. started their weekend residency Thursday night at Brolympics HQ.  We must have been good boys, because Santa Deluca had another nice surprise for us:

Meanwhile, the Commish had a minor science experiment/ craft project for us to work on.  Some light mopping was needed, but over all a successful endeavor.  

A combination of the keg and a ridiculously fun basement putting/ drinking challenge resulted in more beverages than this author was prepared to indulge.  Honestly that's my fault.  The second you dip your toe into Bro HQ, it's game on.  

Up Next:

• Tequila Sunrise/ Golf Ranger Volume Concerns
• Scramble Time
• Selection Show

Starting Line Ups- Part Two

We're back with the second half of our deep dive into the music stylings of our favorite Bros.  Visit Part One for a peak at Team Fugate's eclictic mix.  Today, we're looking at the reigning Champs and their suprising collection of hits.

 #40- Chris E.

Often known for his bombastic rage, he channels that energy into his latest offering.  His first since his quadruple platinum album, "Eff your effing feelings, you effing eff", or "F-Cubed" as his fans have dubbed it. His latest, pushes his creativity to new heights.  He turned his big Craigslist purchase of an old soviet era tank into a substitute for all the percussion audio* on this album.  To accomplish this feat, he ended up firing a few thousand cannon rounds in the direction of Pittsburgh during the recording sessions.  It should come as no surprise that he swapped all audio from the cymbals by ferociously dip spitting into old tin trash cans.  

*The cowbell remains.

Track List:

1. Four Months, Three Sets of Clubs

2. Easy Bake Dutch Oven

3. Hundred Dollar Cheese Cake

4. Ringer, Ringer, Hot Wing Dinner

5. B.L.R.E.A.M. (Busch Light Rules Everything Around Me)

6. Grizzly Can Jam

7. Dick

8. Belt Buckle Bottle Opener

9. Just Another Jamboree Two-Hundered and Forty Pack 

A must have staple for any collection:

#8- Mike E.

Initially banned in most stores ending in "Mart", this gem works hard to get its explicit rating.  Other publications marveled at the pure filthiness of his deli menu/ Kamasutra allegories.  

Sample Lyrics:

Yo! Bum Rush

The Cafeteria

Hit that Salad Bar

Like a Slip and Slide

Dive Face First

Into That 

Sloppy.

Open.

Face.

Pastrami Sandwich.

Hold The Pickle

Hold it Some More

Just Desserts

Don't play this around your parents, kids, pastors or with your windows down:

#43- Chad L.

Team Erno's backstop won the 1983 Star Search with what turned out to be the first track of this Office Space meets a Casio on Steroids mash up.  He landed in the top ten of Casey Caseum's top 40 for 58 consecutive weeks, hitting #1 with half of his tracks on this all time great.

Track Listings:

1. Peanut Butter Copier-Jam Time

2. The Memo

3. Cubicle Cluster F

4. Case of the Mondays

5. Wh-wh-wh-white Out!

6. Flair

7. Swingline Fire Drill

8. My Two Bobs

9. Jump! (To Conclusions)

10. The TPS Report Shuffle

11. Two Chicks

12. Michael Bolton

Do yourself a favor and buy two copies:

#27- Dave W.

Cobled together during a bender disguised as a golf trip, this frantic, high energy hair metal/ 80's era hip hop combo shouldn't work.  Zip, Zap, Rap had a huge underground following, but music execs could not get behind the concept of the record.  Credit the Teen Vogue centerfold for launching this album into the mainstream. 

Sample Lyrics:

DEVISTATING!

That's who I am

Breaking hearts and 

Healing spines

Zippity do dah

Zappity day

Emancipate my pants

I'm a Turntable Slave

No need to pour some sugar on this album, it's already TOO SWEET!:

#22- Dave R.

He was a staple at landscape contractor trade shows, until he was discover when video of him singing an a cappella cover of Presidents of the United States' "Peacehes", while chainsawing a floor model dump truck in half went viral.  This album marked his triumphant return to the spotlight after his Behind the Music special landed him in rehab due to a Joose dependency.  Despite the clearly plagiarized lyrics from established artists, this album still reached the highest level of success, going triple platinum. 

Sample Lyrics: 

Faaaaaaaaaaaaather..

Why do you always send the poor?

One!

Something's got to give

Two!

Mmmmmmmmuther

Do you want to find hell with me?!

I'm just sitting 

In my car

Waiting for...

BLAST OFF

IT'S PARTY TIME

WAKE UP

GRAB A BRUSH AND 

PUT ON A LITTLE MAKEUP 

Nothing's Wrong with me

Let the bodies hit the floor

Let the bodies hit the floor

Let bodies hit the floor

Disorder

Disorder

Disorder

Here we go, here we go, here we go:

Once again let's hear it for the champs!  Before we bid adieu, we have one more classic album to share.  Much like Team Fugate, Team Erno did a group collaboration as well.  It ranks somewhere between Wu-Tang and The Beatles as far as super groups.  

Enjoy the games everyone, good luck to our exceptional Broathletes!

Starting Line Ups- Part One

A tradition like no other, The Starting Line Ups.  It always signals that Brolympics is right around the corner.  This year we're focusing on the fellas' extracurricular activities. As the saying goes, all artists want to be athletes and all athletes want to be artists.  Well, your favorite Bros are no different. Without further ado, The Brolympic Platinum street investigation team has dug through all the back issues at the local record stores and have unearth their biggest hits.

First up, last year's runner ups (editors note: Damn that feels good to say), TEAM FUGATE:

#6- Anthony D.

This South Central PA transplant, now making his mirth in Beaver Falls, turned his love of leather fringe jackets and lab mice into a soulful exploration of the human body.  It's a real panty dropper.  

Sample lyrics: 

Whaaaaaahooooooooooooo... baby!

babybabybaby

Dat Swamp Dogg is Back!

I want to run 

Through your dreams

Drag my finger 

Across yo boooooody

 Like I did 

When I was thirteen 

And studying

 A street atlas 

In Shire-Town

Seven One Seven

For LIFE

A four funnel classic, prescribed at 9 out of 10 fertility clinics:

#20- Tyler F.

A deep cut from the Commish, and a departure from his radio friendly first album.  This scorcher of an EP, evokes an image of Danzig, visiting a fireworks factory after two flights of premium tequila.  It's no secret to followers of our blog how coveted limited edition vinyls are to us.  That's why we're forever on the hunt for the one off version of this record that has a cartoon mash up of John Kruk's testicle in the image of Garfield's dog Odie seared onto "Side B". 

The song titles tell the story of this fan favorite album:

1. The Ballad of Inky and Lenny

2. The Three Putt Blues

3. Hop Crisis Ain't No Crisis to Me

4. Sarasota Faceplanting

5. F@#! You Bo Jackson's Hip

6. Sinkhole Splits and Grizzly Spit

7. Every Rose vomits in my Living Room

Solid from start to finish:

 

#13- Steve L.

Perpetual hustler, this perennial MVP favorite picked up the squeeze box for his third studio album, and not only surprised this reviewer, but the entire nation with his exciting take on a properly balanced offensive playbook.

Sample Lyrics:

I don't know why it's so difficult

 To comprehend,

Why do others make life so hard?!  

Simply pound it 

Between the tackles,

 Eat clock 

And move those chains!

This is an instant classic: 

#26- Nate P.

The global appeal of this album is unmistakable.  It was crafted with a full-proof formula.  Daisy Dukes + International Lyrics = Official goal song for FC Barcelona.  Fun fact: Real Madrid got in a bidding war with FC Barcelona for the exclusive rights to play, " Goal Olè Goalie' ".  Many speculate that his world wide appeal is what cost Pit Bull his job hosting various awards shows.  

Sample Lyrics:

Umbros for days

From Venice 

To Buenos Aires

I like Tacos and Lasagna

My corner kick slays

Fish n' Chips 

Breakfast of Champions

Raise your pint

Goooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaal!

Olè

Goalie

Goooooooooooooaaaaaaal!

Olè

Goalie

This infectious beat will be stuck in your head all day:

#10- Mike M.

This crooner's high concept LP took a deep look into a familiar relationship we all have...with ourself.  Ground breaking at the time for its honest introspection and willingness to share of ones soul, this deservedly won the "Most Creative Slim Jim Placement" award at the 1987 MTV Video Music Awards (a huge upset over the Macho Man Randy Savage's "Oooooooh Yeah! Volume 3"). 

Sample Lyrics:

Alone

With Myself

And also Myself

Oh shit who's there?

F yeah, it's Randy!

Ohhhhh Yeah

Pass the Steak Special

Flying Elbow to 

The Darkness of My Soul

A hearty five funnel rating:

That's it for Part I of the Selection Show.  We'll leave you with this Team Fugate classic collaboration:

Brolympic VIII Prop Bet Extravaganza

 Prop Bets due by Sept. 10

To help answer your scramble questions, current scramble participants are: Ty, Mike E., Chris, Dave R., Steve, Dave W., and Anthony. 

Please return your answers by Sunday, 9/10/17. If you don't have a ton of time, it will only take 5 minutes to blow through the questions and jot an answer down.  As always, the more research you do, the worse your odds of winning are. (proven fact)  Five american dollars to play, winner takes all.

THE Official Brolympic VIII Events

Brolympic VII Recap: Part Five

Something tells me a 10 event competition shouldn't take 5 updates and 8,000 words to cover, but listen...I don't play by your rules.

EVENT SIX: FOOTBALL TOSS
After the photo shoot with the van driver, BROVII transitioned to the sometimes controversial Football Toss.  Rose, evidently worried about his shirt restricting his range of motion, brought sexy back:

Caption curtosey of Motz-  "Because Vlad Loves you"

Round One:

Mike E. started this best of three rounds off for Team Erno with a six point round.  Anthony, powered by some Grizzly,  followed for Team Fugate with a 6 point round of his own.  Game tied 6-6. 

Chad was up next for Team Erno and tossed in a 4 point performance.  Ty, suffering some arm fatigue from the last game of bowling, also threw a 4 point round.  Game still tied 10-10.

Sitting in the bullpen after their turns.

Weaver, looking to put some points on the board, doubled Team Erno's points with a ten point round.  Lewis followed for Team Fugate and was just about up for the challenge of keeping pace with Dave, scoring a strong 8 points of his own.  Team Erno up 20-18.

BSPN spared no expense with exclusive camera placement this year.

Chris followed up for Team Erno dropping 8 more points on the competition.  Nate also up to the task answered the bell with 8 points for Team Fugate. Team Erno clinging to a 28-26 lead.

Vladimir came in to close the door for Team Erno and threw...you guessed it, another 8 point round.

Motz was Team Fugate's final hope, but came up just a tad shy joining the crazy eight parade.  Team Erno ekes out a 36-34 round one victory.  

Round 2

Mike E. found a little bit of lighting and opened the second round by riffling in the eventual game high 14 points. Anthony couldn't keep pace with his Italian cohort, and tossed a four spot.  Team Erno enjoys an early 10 point lead, 14-4. 

Up next for Team Erno, Chad adds another half dozen points.  The Commish matches Chad's 6 with 6 of his own.  Team Erno still holding on to a 10 point lead.  20-10. 

Weaver hammered home a robust 12 points, but in a gunslinger's duel, Lewis answered with 12 of his own.  32-22 Team Erno.  Chris added 4 for Team Erno,  with Nate following him with 6 points.  Team Erno's lead down to 8 points, up 36-28. 

Is that Chop Suey I hear?  Rose emerges from the pen once again to shut the door on Team Fugate and zips home 8 points.  Motz needing to score 16 to force a tie in round two, fell a few points shy with a 3 spot.  Team Erno wins Round two 44-31, as well as the event, tying the day at 3 events a piece. 

PROP BETS:

• MVP: Mike E. was jotted down in the official BRO VII stat book, even though Weaver definitely had the most total points, besting Mike's 20 by 2 points. 

TEAM ERNO 3 - TEAM FUGATE 3

EVENT SEVEN: HORSE SHOES

FINALLY the broathletes get to put all of Mike E.'s hard work Friday morning to use...well...sort of.  In series of questionable events, they decided to forgo playing this event while the sun was shining.  At all. So, on the edge of the woods, under the tree canopy, with the sun dipping down behind the horizon, they decided to start throwing chunks of curved metal at each other. Helen Keller playing dodgeball in a dark cave was not as visually compromised as these Mensas.

In an attempt to increase the safety of this event, Mike E. pulled his truck into the yard to shine his headlights at the pits, effectively blinding one side of the competition that much more.  In a shit show of an event, Team Erno prevailed with Weaver and Mike E. beating Anthony and Nate 15-2, while Chris and Chad vanquished Mike M. and Ty 11-4. (I believe called due to Marcellous like darknesss)

Team Erno may have just taken their latest lead in the day in Brolympic History.  

PROP BETS:

• First Ringer: Weaver
• Most Ringers by one Player- Over/Under 2.5: UNDER
• MVP: Weaver (probably scored all 15 of his and Mike E's points)

TEAM ERNO 4 - TEAM FUGATE 3

EVENT EIGHT: CORNHOLE

This is by far the part of the evening where there is less and less documentation as to what transpired.

Considerably less documentation.

PROP BETS:

• MVP: Ty

TEAM ERNO 4 - TEAM FUGATE 4

EVENT NINE: FOOSBALL

There was some down time leading up to the start of Foosball.  Time for Santa Deluca to release his intermission entertainment program. The audience was riveted.

The first match up of the evening found Anthony and Mike M. vs. Rose and Chad.  Rose and Chad Pele'd the competition in a competitive game 10-8.

The second match up pitted Steve and Nate vs. Weaver and Chris. In another tightly contested match, Team Fugate took down Team Erno 10-7, drawing the need for a third match.  

The rubber match pitted Ty and Motz vs. Mike E. and Weaver.  Team Fugate's zone defense was no match for Weaver's wicked wrist action.  Team Erno prevails 10-3.  For the first time ever, Team Erno has reached the 5 win mark.  Although by this time of the night this reviewer didn't have a firm grasp of the score.

PROP BETS:

• Combine score of deciding game, Over/Under 16.5 points: UNDER
• Most goals in one game by one person, Over/Under 5.5 points: OVER
• Player w/ most goals in one game: Weaver
• Number of goals in one game by our favorite defensemen, Juan, Over/Under- 3.5 points: UNDER
• MVP: Weaver

TEAM ERNO 5 - TEAM FUGATE 4

EVENT 10: DARTS (CRICKET)

Once again, this reviewer doesn't have much to go on for this event, because of...reasons.

Mike E. taking a breather in between turns at darts. 

(for the wives, family members or potential future employers that may be alarmed/ worried/ disgusted, please know this picture is approximately 90% staged*.)

*minus 100

While some were losing steam, others were still going strong:

Moonshine + Busch Light makes Chris a happy boy. 

Those that were still documenting the evening say this fella went on a hot streak to help Team Erno win the event...and thus...THEIR FIRST BROLYMPIC CHAMPIONSHIP!  There was much celebrating:

But much like his cousin back in BRO III, Mike E. vanished. This fuzzy Italian, Irish Goodbye'd BROVII hard. It took a few minutes to realize he wasn't there.  Meanwhile, Chris had a HORNITOS! surprise for him in the celebratory cup.

Luckily Weaver and Ty found Mike E. and brought the celebration to him/ on him. 

DARTS PROP BETS:

• First to close out a number: Rose
• First to hit bullseye: Rose
• First to break a tip: Chad
• First to miss board: Anthony
• MVP: Chris

TEAM ERNO 6 - TEAM FUGATE 4

That does it for another exhausting yet, entertaining trip down memory lane.  Thanks to all the bros that make this weekend so special and memorable. It's an honor.  Congrats to Team Fugate for their historic run.  Great work Team Erno to over come a 1-3 deficit and close the day 5-1 for your first title!  Can't wait to see what record breaking performances will transpire in Brolympic VIII.  Till next time.