Shallow Thoughts- An Unrelated Editorial

Now most of us have children, and those that don't are subject to them on a regular basis.  Well...there's no easy way to transition into this subject, so I'm just going to rip the band aid off fast and ask...

Why don't kid's shits sink? 

Seriously.  If I converted my diet to 100% hot dogs, chicken fingers and candy would my deuces float?  (lets be honest, if that were the case I would have had a porcelain armada in college)  Mythbusters need to tackle this subject. 

Now when my little guy was just getting potty trained, the little floating feces weren't that alarming.  But now, I flip the toilet seat open first thing in the morning and find the G.I. Joe aircraft carrier waiting for me. 

It's inconceivable that this monster didn't sink. I honestly dont' remember if mine ever floated.  I can't see how.  Sticking with the nautical theme, I'm more like the Hunt for Red October. (no I don't shit telescopes) They keep diving and diving to deeper depths, never breaching the surface.

These floaters really have my mind racing.  Certainly if I was trapped on a desert island void of trees, I would try to convince the lone hot chick (also trapped on the island) that we would need to have lots of sex so that she could pop out a baby or two, in hopes of cultivating enough preschool poo to build a raft in 3-5 years. 

The initial conversation would probably go something like this:

ME: Hey...I can't help but notice we live next to each other.

HotChick: We're the only two people on this island.

ME: So I have this idea on how to get off...

HC: I've seen what you've been doing behind the bushes!

ME: Oh right...no, I have an idea how to get off the island.

HC: Really?  This isn't a trick for me to have sex with you is it?

ME: (incredulous) You think because you're the only vagina on this island not made from coconut husks, that I'm into you?

HC: I just assumed the way you've been staring at me from behind the bushes...

ME: Enough about the bushes!  Do you want to hear my plan or not?

....5 minutes pass while I explain the plan in great detail....

ME:  (cont)...and then to avoid chaffing from all the sand, I think it would be best if I laid in the shallow surf.

HC: (staring expressionless at me) I need you to start wearing pants.

ME: Soooo...want to go look at my sand sculpture porn to get in the mood?

-END SCENE-

Grant it, it's a long plan, and I haven't had an opportunity to iron out all the details yet, but I think it makes for a plausible escape option, if not for a potential summer blockbuster.

Milk Was a Bad Choice...

I have good news and bad news.  The good news is, that the chance of rain has dropped back to 10% after reaching 30% yesterday.  The bad news is that the high temp is going to be around 78 - 80 degrees...which, for me, is about 20 degrees too warm to think about moving.  I'd be dehydrated without adding alcohol to this equation...but with all the booze, my tendons will be beef jerky by 10 a.m.





There's still a 60% chance of evening showers. (i.e. there's a also a 60% chance we won't burn Ty's garage to the ground.)

Moral of the story... I'm considering installing some of those misting stations around the park and Ty's house.  If not that, you may see me walking around with Ty's garden hose down my shorts all morning. And yes, I am happy to see you.

Weather Roulette/ Vomit Watch 2012

After watching the weather go from a 10% chance of rain, to a 60% chance of rain, we look like we're settling around the 20% chance of rain. The closer we get the  more detailed info we're getting, looks like the evening is more risky for a a chance of rain, but that suits our events fine.

Even if it pours buckets Saturday, we'll modify accordingly.   We are having events no matter what.  We may have to adjust the schedule, but this is going to happen Armageddon or shine. Remember, half of us flew threw Katrina just to get to Ty's bachelor party.  We're geniuses.

Speaking of disasters, if I somehow puke first again (unlikely) I'd like you to rush me to the hospital... Sunday after the events...or...lets make it Monday, I don't want to miss NFL games.  Last year, I can only assume that the little bit of pilsner that sneaked back out of me was due to the fact that I was days away from having my appendix explode.  If you can believe my surgeon, it was one of the grossest things he's ever seen.  I can only imagine that my insides were seeping out intermittently like a bike tire with a pin hole leak. Only instead of being filled with air, the tire was filled with deadly bacteria. (and probably some bacon)

Moral of the story, that was probably only the 3rd or 4th time in my life alcohol caused vomit to escape my body.  And I'm still not convinced it was the alcohol's fault. So if it happens this year, let's just assume I have 4 days to live and lets go get hookers. (wait...does my wife have access to this?)


REMINDER: PROP BET EXTRAVAGANZA DUE WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 19.  
 You don't have to have anything high tech like a scanner, or modify the word document if you don't have word...just email me your answers with the corresponding number.

Still to come...Hope to get a final dollar amount soon.  Misc. Odds & Ends.    Pain.   (maybe not in that order)

Just Doing Some Dishes

Ready to drink from...

Steam Bath

Only the best for our shirts.

It's finally here!

Nope...not our name in the phone book...

What I'm referring to is the 10 day weather forecast...we finally have a glimpse of what we may be dealing with:

I'm cautiously optimistic, since they're calling for a 60% chance of showers the day before.  A lot can change between now and then, but so far so good.  If we get this weather, I'll try not to bitch about it being about 20 degrees too warm for me to be active.  That includes cornhole and horse shoes.  What I'm trying to say is...I'm going to have a nice sheen on me if we're in the 70's.  Just a heads up to anyone guarding me in B-ball.  It's like going to Sea World or an R. Kelly concert.  Those in the first few rows will get wet.

America's Most Wanted

Pre-Ramble:
Before I get into the topic at hand, let me show a re-creation of how you may react upon entering the bathroom Sunday morning after Brolympics (if my morning bowels stay synced or if Weavs excorist-like, 360 degree vomit ride is operational):


And after you recover from that hypothetical crime scene, let me take another moment to share my dedication to the craft.  You may or may not be aware that a little title called NHL 13 was released yesterday.  You also may or may not be aware that I purchased it over lunch.  What you probably have no idea, is that I wasn't wearing underpants while I purchased it that due to the immense event update from last night, I have not had a chance to play said title.  All I had a chance to do was update the cover:

Don't feel sorry for me Argentina, I just wanted to show how serious I am about this event an excuse to post that picture. 

I'm brainstorming a list of what we need for the day still and have come up with the following:

Hockey: Bring your own sticks.  I have an extra one or two I'll bring.  We may need a new ball?  Ty I'll depend on you to let me know if we need to buy one.

HR Derby: I have a bat or two and a ball or two.  I'm thinking if we get a few more, it will keep the pace of that event moving.  Anyone have any extra regulation whiffle balls at home?  If not, I'll add it to the shopping list.

Horse Shoes: I have a set, Chris bring yours.  We definitely want two games going at same time this year.  I'll bring a rake and mallet.

Basketball: If you have a decent ball bring it.  Lewis sleeps with one and I know Ty and I have one as well. 

Bowling: I know at least two of you with your own gear.  Bring it if you got it.  I'll be busy airing my sack out over the air vent at the aptly-named ball return.

Football: If you have a decent football, bring it.  The custom board is almost complete.  If this doesn't end up in the Smithsonian I'll be shocked.

Cornhole: Ty and Lewis have this covered I believe.  Call me I'm an idiot if I'm mistaken.

Flip Cup/ Beer Pong: Cups (shopping list?)/ Beer...more on that later.  I'll snag a table from work.

NES Sports Challenge: Lewis, I assume you will be bringing your new purchase as well as the Wii?  And Ty will be raiding his parents basement for the pertinent games. 

Odds & Ends: We still need a funnel.  Let me know if you have one, or we'll have to add it to shopping list. (these always turn out to the be the best shopping lists)

Beer: Plan on bringing a case of your favorite beverage in a cooler unless anyone has any other ideas. 

Anything else that sounds like fun, you know the drill by now, bring it.

Still to come: Financial update, Weather Forecasts and the Friday Night Golf.