Dirty Working for the Weekend

For tonight’s Brolympic feature, we will be viewing the Norm MacDonald critical darling, Dirty Work.  A solid film from beginning to end that got snubbed during award season.  Speaking of awards, in the fashion of a more talented sports writer, I will be “borrowing” his gimmick and handing out awards based on quotes from this movie.  Without further ado:

“Don’t take no crap from nobody.”

This quote is the thesis for the movie. It’s a quote from Sam’s take-no-shit dad, Pops McKenna.  It’s the back bone for life long buddies, Mitch and Sam, (Norm MacDonald and Artie Lange) as they use this life philosophy for getting back at douches that take advantage of others. Eventually opening up a revenge for hire business to earn the $50,000 for Pop's heart transplant.

We don’t have consistent team names for Brolympics, as it’s usually based on shirt colors.  For simplicity sake, let’s call the champs, Team Fugate and the runner ups, Team Erno.  This award goes to Team Fugate for four years of Brolympic domination.  You can’t argue with 4-0.  Scoreboard bitches.

“Hey everybody, crossing guard grabbing eight year old ass over here.”

Mitch and Sam started their revenge pranks at an early age.  In a flashback to elementary school, the crossing guard was grabbing kids’ asses and no one really noticed, because as Norm narrates, “back then no one was really on the lookout for that kind of thing”.  This award obviously goes to the gentleman with one of the greatest quotes on the quote board last year.  Take a bow sir.

“Hey honey, I know you’re upset……maybe you’d feel better after we had some dirty sex.”

Award goes to Nate, Chris and Motz…who all seem to have a track record of impregnating their spouses shortly after Brolympics.  Guard your loins lady’s…nothing makes a fella feel more randy than spending 48+ hours with ten dudes.

“Hey…hey that’s my shirt…..Oh…never mind, I was talking to someone else, that is different from you.”

 

Mitch’s ex dumps all his clothes out of their apartment balcony, so when he sees a man wearing one of his shirts, he asks for it back.  When the man obliges, and removes the shirt, we’re left with a horrendously fake hairy back and chest.  This sweater award goes to all the Italians in Brolympics.  Let’s just say Mike E. and Rose never should give each other shirtless chest bumps.  We’ll need the Jaws of Life to remove them from each other.

“Things could be worse, I could have got my nose bit off by a Saigon Whore.”

“YOU bastard!”

This exchange between Mitch and Jimmy, gives us our first introduction to Chris Farley’s character, Jimmy, who in fact is missing the tip of his nose.  He provides classic Farley throughout this film.  Anyhow, this award goes to Motz.  Even though you lost a tooth the other year, it could be worse…you could be missing the better part of your schnoz because of a Saigon Whore.

“No problem there dude, now go back to doing something blatantly homo-erotic.”

After getting the shit kicked out of them at a bar, Mitch call’s the frat to trick them into beating up the real cops that are about to answer a noise complaint.  This award goes to Anthony, for coming out of the closet every Brolympic morning.

"I know there's really nobody to blame for this but myself, well...I don't know...maybe the Buffalo Bills, the Boston Red Sox, or Mr. T...or the Jets..."

"Wait a minute, Mr. T? Are you telling me that you bet on the fight in Rocky III, and that you bet against Rocky?"

"Hindsight is twenty-twenty, my friend."

This scene introduces us to Chevy Chase’s gambling addicted character, Dr. Farthing.  This award is split ten ways between all of us degenerates who take time to fill out a 30+ question prop bet sheet on ourselves.  Congratulations everyone, for once we’re all winners.

“Hey, I’m going to kill you asshole!”

“Sam, are you pissing off the side of a building?”

Mitch is trying to have a deep conversation with Sam on a roof top staring up at the night sky.  Next thing we as the audience here is the first half of this exchange.  This award goes to the tree and surrounding vegetation by Ty’s driveway.  Hey tree...you sure get pissed on... a lot.

“Oh my goodness, I’ve never seen so many dead hookers in all my life”

“Lord knows I have.”

 

Taking advantage of a live commercial spot, Mitch hires prostitutes to play dead in the trunks of cars at a car dealership.  A seminal scene that features David Koechner (aka Champ from Anchorman) as the unscrupulous owner of the car dealership.  This award goes to the owner of the bowling alley we go to.  That guy has probably seen a lot…and I emphasize A LOT, of deceased prostitutes in his day.

“WAKE UP SLUT! Well, well, well… we meet again NOSE BITTER!!! TIME TO PAY THE FIDDLER WHORE!”

Another classic Farley moment.  This award goes out to all of us who haven’t made it to the end of the night.  In four years, that’s got to be about 50% or more of us.  Sadly I feel most of them are from Team Erno…which I have to assume is due to their stringent following of drink minimums throughout the day. 

 

“It smells like fish in here”

Mitch and Sam are in the middle of hiding fish all over a mobster’s house when the mobsters return home to complete a drug deal.  When the prospective buyers mention the smell of the house, all hell breaks loose. This award goes to Brolympic HQ.  Ten active gentlemen in a concentrated space is not a recipe for some new best-selling potpourri. 

  “He took away my chain saw and now is using it on me!!”

During the ensuing battle, there’s a drawn out fight scene that takes place off screen.  Norm and Artie’s characters are left holding fish in their hands as their facial expressions react to the carnage in the next room over.  This award belongs to Chris, as I have to assume if he were ever in a similar battle, his weapon of choice would be a chainsaw.

“You fellas have a lot of growing up to do, I'll tell you that. Ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. Can you believe these characters? Way out of line. Way out of line. Have a good mind to go to the warden about this. You know what hurts the most is the... the lack of respect. You know? That's what hurts the most. Except for the... Except for the other thing. That hurts the most. But the lack of respect hurts the second most.”

This great little speech comes after Mitch and Sam are arrested for one of their stunts.  Moments after explaining to Sam what “really happens in prison”, Mitch is whisked away by three inmates.  This award is a two-parter.  It goes to our van driver for putting up with the questioning and various conversations she’s subjected to, toting our inebriated asses to and fro.  The back half of this award goes to Lewis.  One of the main reasons we needed a van driver was his driving performance back in BROI.  We’re forever trying to prevent him from “feeling the other thing” in jail. Don’t worry buddy, we got your back (in a good way...i.e. non-convict way).

"You two are brothers?"

"Well, it's a long story..."

"My dad boned his mom."

"Okay, it's a short story."

Another two-parter.  The first half going to Chris and Mike…who many people assume are brothers. We're not.  It's not confusing, only a little.  It’s a long story.

The second half of the award goes to Nate.  Even though it happened five years ago, the way he ended our inaugural event will live in Brolympic infamy.  That first OT was a very short story.

“Scuse me, coming through.  Oh hey, did you fart? Oh, I think that was just me from before.”

In the final revenge, the guys are trying to ruin Shooter McGavin’s opera performance of Don Giovanni with an elaborate plan involving prostitutes, as well as no nose Jimmy and some skunks.  Additionally, part of the plan encompassed the assistance of homeless guys squeezing their way back and forth through the aisles of the opera house, creating an unpleasant experience for the well-to-do theater patrons.  This award goes to our asses.  After 20+ brews, and some mild bloating, there’s only one of two escape hatches for all that gas.  Like Elton John sung, we'll be lighting a candle in the wind. 

“Note to self, making love to blow up doll is not as good as advertised.”

One of Norm’s many voice memo recorder gags throughout the film.  This award goes to all the events that sounded great on paper, but for various reasons, did not translate well during the actual day’s events. See volleyball/football toss 1.0. (Obviously not talking about Croquet)

“Oh, and Dr. Farthing. He got over his gambling problem, but the bookies beat him to death anyway. So, he's dead. That's it. Bye!”

Norm abruptly ends his movie with this voice over.  This award goes to Brolympics as a whole.  The lead up to it is always so great.  So many ideas and trash talk flying, and then sometime Saturday night, it just ends.  Sort of like this column.  That’s it, Bye!