Future Event?

Looks bad-ass, although it does increase the chance of | this | happening by at least 47%.

Your Weather on the Eights

So typically I've only been able to find extended weather forecasts 10 days out.  Using my Sherlock Holmes-esque deductive skills, I had a notion that someone out there had to be pushing the boundaries of two weeks.  Then applying my Google powers for good instead of scouring the net for ridiculous poses to put your heads on, I stumbled upon this:

 Not too shabby.  I'm cautiously optimistic that we'll be able to maintain this excellent outlook, but that's really not what I wanted to share.  I thought to myself..."wonder how far out these guys are predicting weather?"  Let's see...

What?!!! ALL of October?!!

Better wear my gortex Trick or Treating!  Dare I forge on to the next month...?

HALF of November?!!

We can almost see what the weather is supposed to look like for Turkey Bowl.  What kind of climate conscious witches does Accuweather employee?   I can only assume they've finally harnessed the power of their own flux capacitor.  Thank Christ.  It's been long enough.  25 years since Back to the Future and I haven't sniffed a hover-board yet. 

Anyhow, moral of the story is that I'm going to go out on a limb and say we can't put our complete faith on this prediction.  This was the ad adjacent to the long range forecast:

I'm simultaneously terrified and intrigued as to what may be waiting on the other side of that link.  I mean...clearly there's a warning.  Clearly I'm a man.  But based on the scantily clad lass depicted it, I can't think of why it would be risky to enter? (virtual STD's?) However, if the ad had a dude huddled under an umbrella, as bags of dicks rained down from an ominous sky...well, yeah...memo received.  As it is now, it just seems like a mixed message.

Starting Lineups

Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages...Brolympics IV is proud to present, your TWENTY-THIRTEEN STARTING LINEUPS!!!

_______________________________________________________________
From the BACK to BACK to BACK Champeeeons of the world....

Team Blue

- Call him Mark Morrison, because he's the Return of the Mac; Owner of the Charles Barkley line of upscale basketball Jerseys; This unorthodox bowling wizard hails from the extreme western portion of the Commonwealth; his vehicles have more miles on them then Lindsay Lohan's groin;  he'll recite all the Division I mascots while giving you five different ways to get to where you're going, part Terminator Johnny Five part Rand McNally, this dude's not human!  He comes out of the closet once a year for this, so let's hear it for:

_________________________________________________________________

- Excuse me holmes? What it is, bro? His Brolympic team is the only bright spot in a dismal sports year; a newborn has not stopped him from booting his wife and kids to make room for the Brolympic festivities; he's currently sending a personal "forget me not" to Charley Manuel, and spends his free time giving Jager Bombs to his Bo Jackson and Mike Schmidt Starting Lineup figures in hopes that they'll get buzzed enough to play "just the tip" and accidentally reproduce. He's about 3 feet too tall for his dream job, Las Vegas slapper; and he'll turn a sure out into a guaranteed home run faster than you can scream "Inky!", let's hear it for our doctor of the faceplant:

_________________________________________________________________
- Suckin' on chili dogs outside the tastee freeze... this Craigslist aficionado is pro Cornhole, and anti Croquet...in fact, you may call him an anticroquite.  He's got Rosegarden in his blood and is skilled at on court dental procedures; he's sporting wood 24/7 thinking about the Cane's, and will destroy all competition at Double Dribble(with his eyes closed).  He's on his 13th copy of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, due to wearing out the scenes with Dan Marino.  Kids? Who needs them, he claimed his PS3 as a dependent on his last tax return.  A master of video football game clock management via the widely unheard of "run and run" offensive philosophy, as well as a vast saver of insurance premiums, let's hear it for:
________________________________________________________________
- Our next athlete is back after a brutal jack-o-latern-like injury sustained at last years games.  Sticking to his preferred diet of Slim Jims and Cheese-Its, he strenuously rehabbed at the world renown Epcot Center, where he recited "It's a Small World" forward and back until he had fully healed.  With revenge on his mind, he will do his best to pretend that the runner ups were the actual cause of his injury. When you hear Enter Sandman you know it's game over, as he frequently slams the door shut for the Champs in the NES Challenge; he'll give you a flying elbow from the top couch if you pass out too early; all he's asking is for you to Mind Your Manners, so protect your Yam Baggins and let's give it up for: 
________________________________________________________________
- This devourer of planets has ended events in the blink of an eye, he's crocheted sweaters for lady friends made only of the worms from tequila bottles; he asks the Challengers, "What will break first...your spirit or your body?", he bleeds black and gold...and probably red, but you'll never see it as long as you're breathing; he's not a player- he just crushes a lot; and Liverpool isn't some weird organ filled swimming hole, it actually means something to him,  HE'S the one who knocks, so lets hear it for our official driveway firebomber:

 ______________________________________________

Now onto our challengers, the perpetual runner ups...but don't feel bad for them,  because like number two, they're the shit...Introducing:

 Team Army

- Slaying animals like it's his job, single handily keeping the tobacco industry recession proof, he'll toss half a tree on the bonfire for shits and giggles; a connoisseur of the finer things, like consuming Busch Light from a thermos, he has a masters degree in tolerance and keeping his cool; Nike is currently developing 40-bomb Airs- a new steel-toed basketball boot for him;  prone to disappear, he'll need micro-chipped like a rescue dog; he'll be dropping ringers like feces bombs; don't waste your prop bet- he's vomit proof, let's hear it for: _____________________________________________________________

- Much like Serpentor, this athlete's legs were created from a combination of DNA, only his gene pool was slightly less favorable.  Where Serpentor was cultivated from the likes of Attila the Hun, Alexander the Great, Ivan the Terrible, Julius Caesar, Genghis Khan, etc., this Brolympian was dealt the hand of the non-smoke monster version of John Locke (spoiler alert), Joe the cop from Family guy and Forrest Gump's discarded leg braces.  A picture of health, he's fighting vertigo like a Golden Girl, and waiting for gay marriage to become legal in PA so he can officially propose to Patrice Bergeron. Be careful what you do, as he may design a t-shirt or an entire internet post about you, let's give it up for:

 ERROR...ERROR UNREALISTIC IMAGE.....

APPROVED IMAGE 

________________________________________________________________

- This Jeep driving SOB's blood pressure is hovering around negative something, dude might not even have a pulse, in fact he might be one of those Walking Dead zombies, one with an absurd knowledge of the Saskatchewan Roughriders Grey Cup chances.  He'll need to make some "Humangous Big" saves for Team Army to compete in Hockey. He recently launched a kickstarter campaign for the mass production of adult size Adirondack Phantoms footed pajamas (with trap door).  A deucing ninja, he'll drop four or five kids off at the pool before anyone even knows he's missing;  He'll quietly score major points in bowling and cornhole, before finishing you off with a Blades of Steel closer, get off your fannies for:

________________________________________________________________

- Movin' to the country, going to eat himself a lot of peaches; this repeat Joose offender and prolific commentator will share his thoughts on just about anything- from fantasy picks to musical selections; Master of the funnel, he's not afraid to relax his esophagus to take it all in.  His shirt comes off faster than a girls gone wild production; added to the TSA watch list after a brief x-ray of last years carry-on luggage, this southern residing, "Bodies" signing, butterfly kissing, utility athlete will leave it all on the field... and some of it off of it.  If you want to destroy his sweater, just take one hair and he'll walk away; Give a warm Brolympic welcome to our resident karaoke singing optometrist:

_________________________________________________________________
- He's the five hour energy drink of Team Army, this Brolympian wishes Friday's golf event was for keeps; He patterns his tennis game after Arthur Ashe...minus the crippling AIDS,  he's been banned from the restrooms of prominent world leaders as well as local & state run porta-johns due to an explosive past reputation; President of the Ron Hextal fan club, he made nipple hole shirts the slap bracelet fad equivelant of the mid 90's; giving his testes some botex is his only Christmas wish (smooth as eggs); a not so recent graduate of The Rock, do you smell what he's cooking?  Let's hear it for :

___________________________________________________

One more time, lets give it up for all our exceptional athletes!

Self Reach-Around

Not to get all self congratulatory, but:

Yeah us!

Inspiration

Notice to my team:  I would have gladly traded Kate Upton for anyone of you clowns before seeing this, but now I find out she's got game?   (swoon)

Think she's available October 12th?  Lewis I need a Craigslist Personal Ad stat!  Also, let me dispatch a word of caution...be careful googling her, you don't want to end up like this poor sap:

Load the Spaceship with Rocket Fuel

Set Your Clocks

As promised, here are the rough times and details for the events.  This is old hat for you all, so no need to explain that shite* could be rearranged at the last second. 

*sometimes I like to curse in British. (you cunts)

BROLYMPIC IV SCHEDULE OF EVENTS

sponsored by Nads

OPENING CEREMONIES  (8 a.m. Cornwall Borough Park )

• Rose + Funnel= Traditions.  Anyone interested in developing some pyrotechnics and theme music for each athlete to walk into the rink? Lewis calls dibs on "Real American".

HOCKEY  (8:15 a.m. Cornwall Borough Park)

• There were early discussions of playing side to side in the interest of less running more offense, however nothing has been established, so plan on playing full rink.
• Five on Five
• Three 15 minute periods. 

HOME RUN DERBY   (9:45 a.m. Cornwall Borough Park)

• Batting order determined by Selection Show with teams alternating batters
• Wiffle Ball
• 10 outs per batter (any swing not a HR = out)
• One Round per batter.  Cumulative team home runs determines winner.

HORSE SHOES   (10:30 a.m. Cornwall Borough Park)

• Best of Three Rounds played in baseball infield
• Teams of two and their match up order determined by the Selection Show.
• Play to 21, win by 2.

THREE POINT SHOOT OUT    (11:45 a.m. Ty's House)

• Two Rounds- Shooting order determined by Selection Show (teams alternate turns)
• Three point vine may or may not make an appearance
• Five spots to shoot from around the vine per round
• Three balls to shoot from per spot (Two Regular Balls= 1 pt., and One Money Ball= 2 pts.)
• Team point total from both rounds determine winner.

FLEXIBLE FOOD TIME

• The plan is to have some crock pots set up with meatballs/ pulled pork so we have some real food available through out the day.  There will be time to take advantage of this before bowling, during the three point shootout (if you're not shooting), or if we get done early before the van shows up.

BOWLING/ VAN RIDE   (1:30 p.m. pick up from Ty's House to Cedar Lanes)

• Best of Three
• Bring Money for Three Games/ Shoe Rental/ Beverages

CORNHOLE   (Ty's House)

• Best of Three
• Games to 21, win by 2
• Teams of two and their match up determined by Selection Show

CROQUET  (Ty's House)

• All 10 players on course- Selection Show determines order, teams alternate turns
• If your shot results in your ball hitting another ball, you may take another turn, or "send" that ball.
• You get an extra turn for successfully passing through a wicket (going the correct way.  i.e. not extra turns for going backwards through a wicket)
• You must hit the post on the far end of the course, before working your way back.  That post will count as another turn as well.
• At the final end of the course, you must pass through the last two wickets without hitting the post.  If you hit that post, you are out of the game.
• After successfully completing the course, you become a "stinger" starting with your next turn.
• On their turns, stingers attempt to hit other players.  If successful, the other player is then out of the game.  
• Players still trying to complete the course may hit a stinger.  Standard rules apply. (i.e. you can take an extra turn or send the stinger)
• Score will be determined as follows: First player out earns one point.  Second player out earns two points.  This continues the entire way through ninth player out earning nine points.  The winner will receive twelve points for outlasting everyone.  Team with highest combined score wins.

FLIP CUP (Ty's House)

• Five on Five
• Best of Seven

FOOSBALL (Ty's House)

• Three Games
• Two players vs. two players
• Player order and match ups determined by Selection Show
• Play to ten

SUPER BEER PONG (Ty's House)

• Minimum of 15 cups used per side.  
• Standard Beer Pong Rules Apply

NES CHALLENGE  (Ty's House)

• Match ups, games played and order of games determined by selection show.
• Potential Games (Pro Wrestling, Double Dribble, Baseball Super Stars, Super Tecmo Bowl, Blades of Steel...with a possible wild card game to replace one of these) Games subject to change based on availability and operation of 30 year old equipment.

 LORD MANLY CUP PRESENTATION

• Would be outstanding if we could get more than two people to drink from the cup this year.

 STILL TO COME:

• It's your three week warning!
• Starting Line Ups
• Packing Lists
• Don't forget to get me your prop bets by NEXT Friday, Sept. 27th. 

Signs Of The Time

Unsure of ultimately who this sign is directed at, but if I were to gander a guess it may have to do with one of the prop bet questions.

A cursory drive around town, turned up some other interesting signs.  They must have upped the advertising budget this year.

Proof

Danger Zone

It's so damn hot out!  Thank christ we aren't having BROIV today. Anyhow, I was fanning my nuts off by the a/c units at work today and I looked out the window and what did I see?

These fools practicing for an event we're not evening going to have?!

What the pictures aren't showing, is all the slow motion hugs and ass slapping that was taking place.

As you can see, team unity is at an all-time high.

 

  I honestly don't even want to know what's going on here*.  

* Just kidding, he's singing Salt-N-Peppa, "Push it Real Good". 

  (Makes sense. My first guess was a "Magic Mike" outdoor play. ) 

Prop Bet Extravaganza

Oooooooooh yeahhhhh...It's about time.  One month and counting.  While you're twiddling your thumbs, giving nick names to your herpes simplex II blisters, do yourself a favor and fill out this years  Prop Bet Extravaganza.  Still $5/ person, winner take all.  Thirty-three (what?!) (I know.) glorious questions await your answers.  Deadline for submission is September 27.  I will email everyone a copy, or you can download the google doc here: BROLYMPIC IV PROP BET EXTRAVAGANZA.

Make sure to get it to me on time so I have time to share some results in graph form.  I mean, who doesn't have a hard on for some excel workbooks this time of year? (hypothetical question) Some of you scanned and emailed me your answers, others just wrote the number with the answer and emailed or texted me.  All are legit ways of submitting answers.  I'll even write your answers down over the phone.  I'll also accept skywriting, smoke signals, Da Vinci Code-like elaborate scavenger hunts, etc.  Do what you gotta do, cause the Prop Bet Madness is coming atcha!

Still to Come:
(that's what she said)

• Event Rules and Times
• Starting Line Ups
• Packing Lists

Selection Sho'nuff

Live: Brolympic Eve
October 11, 2013

Are Your Balls Feeling Lucky?!

New for this year, The Selection Show will be used to randomly determine event match-ups and player order for events.  

The following will be determined at the selection show:

• Order of at-bats for Home Run Derby. (teams will still alternate at-bats, order will just be random)
• Team Match-Ups for Horse Shoes 
• Order of shooters for Three Point Shoot Out (teams will alternate shooters)
• Bowling Order
• Team Match-Ups for Corn Hole
• Croquet Order (teams will alternate shots)
• Team Foosball Match-Ups
• NES Challenge game assignment and opponent match up

Example of  Horse Shoe Selection Show Board

 

The selection show will also feature player interviews as well as instant analysis of the events and how they've been impacted by the match-ups that were just drawn.  

More info as it becomes available. 

 Like a porno shoot, this event is very fluid and subject to change.

Your 2013 Brolympic Events